#david

Advice for the new guy A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass,…

Teacher: I wish you'd pay a little attention, David. David: I'm paying as little as I can, teacher.

My friends David reviewed Auschwitz on Tripadvisor... ..he gave it a star.

My friend David lost his ID. Now we just call him Dave. well i'm bad at telling jokes

Mom, i'm going out -You are not going out with that mini skirt. -But why? -Because they can see your balls, David.

Peter and David were lost in the Sahara, hungry and thirsty ... When they found some men in their tents. Happy, they went to ask for food and shelter. An arab man asked them : what are your names? Peter replied Peter, but David, in fear, replied Mohamed. The arab man said: Well Peter, come with me i'll get you something to eat, and as you know Mohamed, it's ramadan, our holy month of fasting, you'll have to wait nine hours to eat, in the meantime you can sleep in my tent.

The New Priest Drinks Vodka A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his o…

3 guys are waiting while their wives give birth A nurse emerges from the back and says, ""Mr. David, come on back, your wife has delivered two beautiful babies!"" ""Wow! Twins, huh? That's interesting, I'm from the twin rivers."" Said Mr. David After another hour, a second nurse comes into their room and says, ""Mr. Smith, you wife has had healthy triplets!"" ""That's awesome!"" Replied Mr. Smith, ""I'm from the three islands, Jonu, Frot and Trik."" And with that he went back with the nurse The …

Two beggars roaming around in Rome Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: ""Don…

David Hume's 'Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion' was published after his death, or in other words... it was published posthumeously.

With Jesus now! 18+ Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven. They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, ""Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."" ""What?"" his father replied. Hope this one doesn't upset anyo…

You need some David in your life... Because Jesus clearly isn't helping you.

What is David Bowie's favourite energy drink? Redbull Redbull

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" Next Sunday the new priest decided to take the monsignor's advice. At the beginning, he felt nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found a note on the…

Johnny after School with teacher Teacher: Johnny, when did WW1 start? Johnny: I don't know, ma'm. Teacher: Johnny, you need to pay more attention to your studies. Johnny: OK, but can I ask you a question ma'm? Teacher: Sure. of course you can. Johnny: Do you know David? Teacher: I'm afraid I don't. Johnny: You need to pay more attention to your husband.

Donald Trump goes to meet the queen... ...while there he is most impressed with the service she recieves from her butlers and staff and he asks her how she gets such good employees. She says she screen them for intelligence and proceeds to demonstrate by summoning David Cameron: ""Come here, David. Now answer me,"" she starts, ""if your mother and your father have a child and that child is neither your sister nor your brother, who is that child?"" David looks a bit flustered but answers: ""Why M…

A new card game It's called the Star of David. You take out all the cards you don't like, put a star on them, and then you burn them.

Two Christians are lost in a desert David and Michael were going on a safari where they got lost and their car stopped working, they started wondering throughout the desert. With food and water supply almost ending and no reception anywhere they were desperately looking for help. After a very long time in the heat of the desert and almost dying from thirst they finally see a mosque far away. They start discussing among each other. David: I'll pretend I am a Muslim so they will give me food and w…

When David shot Goliath, there was a giant thunderstorm. He was just slinging in the rain.

What do you call a perverted Magician? Q: What do you call a perverted Magician? A: David ""Cop a Feel"" ...ba dum cha!

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: ""Don't you understand? This is a Cathol…

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents: Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL. Son: Why is that funny? Mom: It's not funny, David! What do you mean? Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud. Mom: I thought it meant Lots of Love. I have to call everyone back. Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry. Mom: WTF! Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means? Mom: Well That's Fantastic. ~ Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean? Son: I don't know, love you, …

Powerball Money A very religious man, David, prays one day. He got down on his knees and said, ""God, please let me win the Powerball tonight. I'm out of a job and about to lose my car. Please help me."" The drawing comes, and David didn't win a thing. The next day of the drawing, he got down on his knees and said ""God, please let me win tonight. They've taken my car and I can't afford to feed my family; they're starving."" Again the drawing comes, and again David doesn't win. The next drawing,…

What was David Bowie's last hit? Probably Morphine

The New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" The next Sunday, the new priest took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his of…