#israel

Shovels, Asses and Camels Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, ""Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."" Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, ""Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."" Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised land! I was so depressed last night…

Germany really put a whoopin on Brazil today... But it's still not as bad as when they beat Israel 6,000,000-0

American A man from Israel got his citizenship, I guess you could say he Israeli American now

A priest & a driver arrives at heaven's gate, guarded by St. Peter. Upon arrival at heaven's gate, St. Peters asks which one of the two is the driver, and the driver replied ""Me!"". ""Alright, come on in to heaven."" The priest asks ""How about me?"" ""Well, the reason why I'm not letting you in is that, when you're preaching all your followers are asleep, whereas when the driver's driving, all the passengers are praying hard.'' *Told by our tour guide in Israel, don't mind the mediocre tra…

Volkswagen announces it will open a facility in Israel to make a new advanced vehicle... The new models are are so advanced not only will they stop on a dime, they'll actually pick it up.

What's the National Vegetable of Israel? Ariel Sharon

End of the world Scientists predict the end of the world, they say that there will be a huge tsunami on earth in 2 weeks. So presidents of all nations are now on tv to speak about it. It starts with Barrack Obama: "" My fellow americans, you have now 15 days to spend all of your dollars, so just buy some stuff and enjoy while you can"". Vladimir Poutine: ""Mother Russia will be devastated in 2 weeks, and there will be nowhere else to live so i decided that you are now all free to speak and expre…

Schwartz and Goldberg are two rabbis packing for a trip to Israel Schwartz has all of his clothes and is going to get a duffel bag. He asks Goldberg if he wants to borrow one. Goldberg declines the offer and instead pulls out his wallet made of circumcised foreskins. ""You're putting all of your clothes in a wallet?"" Schwartz asks. Goldberg replies,""Yes, but when I rub it, it becomes a suitcase.""

The North/South Korea conflict reminded me of an old joke set in Israel Two old Israeli men are having lunch together, talking about this and that, politics and their jobs, and the conversation leads to them talking about the state of Israel. ""I'm telling you, Moskowitz, there's an easy solution to all the problems Israel has."" ""I'm sure if there was one, it would have been used by now, Finklestein."" ""No, no, no. I say we invade the United States."" Mr. Moskowitz almost chokes on his drink.…

A different kind of Jewish joke A man, visibly distracted and upset, walks toward his synagogue and finds the rabbi on the front steps. ""Rabbi, rabbi, it's my son!"" ""What is wrong, Joseph, what has happened to your son?"" ""Well, rabbi, he just came back from his Birthright trip to Israel, and he tells me that he's now a Christian!"" The rabbi strokes his beard and says, ""Funny you should mention that. My son too went to Israel, and he too came back a Christian..."" At this moment, a bright …

How was your trip to Israel? This month they had Sukkot (the festival of tabernacles) It was pretty ""in tents"".

An ethnically diverse group of people are doing something... An African-American, a Mexican-American, Jewish-American, and a white man are walking along the beach in Florida. One of them stumbles over a lamp and as he picks it up, a genie appears. The genie thanks them from freeing him from the lamp and offers them each a wish. The African-American says, ""My native land has suffered from all the people stolen away by slavery. I wish for all my people to be returned to Africa to start a new age …

A Texan Visits Israel A Texan visits Israel for vacation and spends several weeks travelling around to see the different sites. One day, while making his way through the countryside to a destination, he realizes he is quite thirsty and stops at a small farm to request a drink. The owner of the farm is quite friendly and provides the Texan with a drink of water. Israel is not a particularly large country and has a fairly large population, so the individual farmsteads are rather small. Noticing th…

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, ""Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."" .... About 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, ""Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this ... Read more...

The pope is in Israel with a sheik and a rabbi. If they don't walk into a bar, it's all for nothing!

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance: 1. a woman 2. a donkey 3. a shovel 4. a fish 5. a Star of David They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient s…

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door behind him. 3. If they can put a man on the moon -- they should put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the oppor…

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.' And she said unto Abraham, her husband, ""Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply sa…

This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says ""Madam I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions."" She says ""Why all the clocks in the window?"" And he says ""And what should I have in my window?""

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres the former leader of Israel. ""Your holiness"" said one of the Cardinals ""Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match."" The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life. ""Not to worry"" said the Cardinal ""we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!"" Ever…

As US tourists in Israel a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results he asked where they were from. ""America"" the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin the Arab responded. ""She's not from the States."" ""Yes I am."" said the wife. He looked at her and asked. ""Is he your husband?"" ""Yes."" she replied. Turning to the …

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. ""I've just discovered a 3000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!"" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied ""Bring him in. We'll check it out."" A week later the amazed curator called the archaeologist. ""You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world…

Q: What do you get when you cross a matzo ball with LSD? A: A trip to Israel.

A tourist visiting a small town in Israel came upon a statue dedicated to ""The Unknown Soldier"". At the base of the statue a sign was displayed: ""Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg"". The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name. The resident replied ""As a soldier that Seymour was pretty much unknown but as an accountant-Oy! He was something.""

A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land... During the trip the wife tragically dies. A funeral director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The funeral director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."