#israel

What do you call weed from Israel? MaraJEWjuana

A jewish man is sitting outside on his porch in Israel... Sitting there he sees a bright light in the air. It keeps coming closer and closer. The man, a devout jew, swears for the first time in his life. His wife comes outside to see her husband staring and pointing in the sky. She asks: ""Whats wrong, Adam?"" He replies: ""Thats a missile from some Palestinians. Its coming our way. This israely bad...""

Joke my grandfather told me There was this elderly couple, and the wife had always wanted to visit Israel. Eventually the husband got tired of her nagging him about it and decided to take the trip. During the trip, however, she dies. A kind Israeli funeral home owner offers to bury the man's wife for 150$. The man is not sure he wants to take him up on the offer. ""But it could easily cost you thousands of dollars back in the US, plus the cost of transporting her body!"" The man said he'd think …

So I was in Jerusalem and a man was trying to sell me a gold watch... I kept telling him I don't want it. It looks too fake, not real gold. He looked at me and says ""It's not fake, Israel.""

An old Jewish couple An old Jewish husband and wife went to visit Israel on vacation. They were in Bethlehem and Jerusalem and other big cities. The wife came down with an illness and was unable to be treated and passed away. The man was given two options... To have his wife buried in Israel with a traditional Jewish ceremony for only $450 or to have his wife's body flown back to America to have the ceremony and burial there for around $10,000. The Jewish man answered very quickly, ""Have her fl…

Israel and the news media A CNN Reporter, BBC Reporter, and an Israeli commando were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, Well, I'm an American, so I'd like one last hamburger with French fries."" The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said ""Now, I can die."" The BBC Reporter said, I'm a reporter …

A golf joke. The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. ""Your holiness,"" said one of the Cardinals, ""Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."" The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. ""Not to worry,"" said the Cardinal, ""we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... W…

Alan Finkelkraut goes to Israel to die... Alan Finkelkraut, an upstanding member of the Teaneck Jewish community, upon his retirement at the age of 70 from the family furniture business decides that finally the time had come for him to make the move that he couldn't have before - to move to Israel where he can end his days. Over a smorgasbord of pickled herring and gefilte fish Alan Finkekraut announced his intentions to all his relatives and friends: ""With my retirement the time has finally co…

My favorite Jewish joke in the history of the world. A young American computer expert read some books on the early Zionists who came to Israel and worked hard just to develop a bit of farm land. They gave of their sweat and toil so that there should be a fertile country for us. He was impressed with their unselfish toil and decided to immigrate to Israel and be a pioneer. He went to the Jewish Agency and applied to come on Aliyah. They asked him what he did and when they found out that he was a …

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel... A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. ""Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse,"" the farmer said. The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. ""Is this all your land?"" he asked. ""Yes,"" the Israeli said proudly. ""This is all mine!"" ""You mean this is it? This is all of it?"" the Texan said incr…

The True Origin of the Internet In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.' And she said unto Abraham, her husband, ""Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags shor…

Sean Connery has been scouring Israel for ancient musical instruments. When asked about his progress, he replied, ""I've only found one shofar.""

Is god Black or white? A black guy and white guy are arguing over whether God is black or white. They cannot agree and finally decide to fly to Israel, climb the highest mountain and shout the question to God. After they arrive and reach the summit of the holiest mountain, the white guy shouts out, ""God, what are you, black or white?"" Soon, dark clouds gather, the wind picks up, lightning is flashing and this thundering voice replies: ""I am what I am."" The white guy turns to the black and sa…

Two jews walk into A bar... Ahbar then gets insulted that the jews even looked at him and demands that his country declares war on Israel for these unspeakable crimes.

George has a problem ... he pees in his bed at night. So he decides to go to the doctor to fix the problem. ""Well George, can you tell me what exactly happens each night that might be causing the problem?"" ""Well,"" George said, ""When I fall asleep I have a dream where this small little dwarf comes to me and says 'Did you do pee pee'? And I say 'No'. So he says 'So go pee pee!' And so ... I do ..."" ""I see,"" says the doctor ... ""I have a solution for you George - Next time the dwarf asks y…

An Israeli group travels to the Chech Republic. They want to visit Auschwitz, and have a guided tour. On the way from their hotel to the camp their bus breaks down. The guide, embarrassed because of this, thinks of a way to meet the deadline for the tour. He sees a farm in the distance, and rushes to it. He knocks on the door of the house, and an old chech man opens. ""Hello! We re from Israel and want to go to Auschwitz, but our bus broke down. Might you be able to help us?"" ""How many of you …

Doctors have discovered a new strain of ebola in Israel They have appropriately named it Heebola.

What is the famous martial art of Israel? Jiu-Jitsu

what if God. Israel?

Im opening a ice cream parlor in Israel... Its called ""The Creamatorium""

[q] explain this joke: Two guys meet in the streets of Israel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORNFrV0CQ2A#t=459 Two guys meet in the streets of Israel, one says to the other, A: ""Don't I know you, aren't you from New York?"". B: ""I certainly am"" A: ""what's your name?"". B: ""Israeli"". (?) A: ""what's Israeli doing in Tel Aviv?"". B: ""I'm living the life of (?)cone(?)?"" ...?

So God's busy making the world... and Angel Gabriel passes by. God says, ""Look angel Gabriel! Look! I am making a precious land called Israel. It will be full of oil, it shall be fertile, and it shall be the promised land. I am making a chosen people to inhabit it. They shall be called the Jews!"" Angel Gabriel looks at God and says, ""God, don't you think you're giving one group of people, these Jews, too much prosperity?"" God replies, ""Oh, don't worry. I'm going to cancel it out with the ne…

I was just gone for a moment When the jews came into the Palastinian territory to found Israel they were like: ""Thanks for keeping my place warm""

Is Israel Real? if Palestinians eyes are real?

I heard Israel is planning another false flag attack... The Mossad is going to nuke Gaza and blame it on the IDF.