#america

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin's kids?

It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don't actually believe in fossils

google glass is going to revolutionize the way america walks into oncoming traffic

In Japan, they are celebrating their position as the most educated country in the world. Here in America it's National Cheeseburger Day.

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I've just been poisoned

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

We have it so good in America that once a year we voluntarily do migrant work and call it apple picking.

Americans kill more Americans than ISIS kills Americans so we should probably play it safe and not let any more Americans into America.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I'm wondering how much money I spent last night.

Hey terrorists, wanna cripple America? Hack Twitter and cause all DM's to go public. I'm just kidding, don't do that shit. We'd kill you.

maybe the white peopel who are scared of immigrants are only scared b/c they kno what white peopel did when they first immigrated to america

"Act your age!" I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

Wondering why we have 50 candidates for Miss America, but only 2 for president. Also, why no swimsuit competition?

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include "Death To America" in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I've ever written.

Politicians hate each other more than they love America.

I promise to find a new girlfriend right away when my old girlfriend gets eaten by walkers. America needs a first lady.

Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I've heard for making racists dehydrate to death.

I'd expect Captain America to be fatter.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

GERG: She licked ur donut? JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER! GERG: gross! JERY: she also said she "hates america" GERG: Donut licking traitor!

"Metric system? You mean the easy measurement system based upon multiples of 10, that every other country uses? Na. We're good." - America

If you think it's "uncool" to love America, why don't you go see how "cool" it is to live in a country that doesn't have toilets or pizza.

[guy jokingly refers to america as 'murica, everyone starts applauding; I basically hork up a damn lung from laughing my shit off so hard]