#america

A condom joke (xpost from todayilearned) ""Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency: ""Our largest condom factory has exploded,"" the Russian President cried. ""My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"" ""Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,"" replied the President. ""I do need your help"" said Putin. ""Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over…

A context joke Have you ever noticed that when you say, ""I hope you're hungry"" in a place like America it's nice. But if you say that in Africa it is a cruel joke.

A British fellow just doesn't understand why people like cricket. He tries, he tries so hard. He knows it's his national sport. He also doesn't care much for football and rugby, and always feels left out at the pub. Then one day, he comes in early for a pint, and there's this strange game on the screen. ""What's that game up there, Albert?"" Albert looks baffled, ""why, that's baseball mate!"" He'd never seen a baseball game before. He's enchanted. He loves the geometry of the field, the green g…

Theme 2: Polish --Q: How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree? --A: Wave to him. Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A: A new last name. --Q: Did you hear about the Pole who studied for 5 days? --A: He was scheduled to take a urine test. A 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland. Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies. --Two Poles emigrated to America. On their first day off the boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the st…

Hans Wolfgang A man, (lets call him Adam) is walking through his new city neighborhood looking for a dry-cleaners. He goes on to find one cleaners called ""Hals Wolfgang's Express Clean."" Curious, he walks in the building to find it almost empty, exept for the manager, a small, old, asian man. Adam walks up to the old man and starts a conversation. Adam: Are you the owner of this store? Man: Yes I am. Adam: So...you're Hans Wolfgang? Man: Yes, why? Adam: Nothing...it's just a very unusual name …

So a co-worker of mine was at the counter when a couple tourists from America walk in... They inquired about a couple things and suddenly changed the subject. They were curious about the beepers we have on street corners to alert blind people when it is safe to cross the street. The woman asked why we had the things that make a chirpy bird sort of sound on the corner. He explained that it was to let blind people know when the light changed. She then exclaimed very loudly in a thick southern draw…

Golf Match. The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. ""Your holiness,"" said one of the Cardinals, ""Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."" The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. ""Not to worry,"" said the Cardinal, ""we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We…

A Russian in the USA A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, ""Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, and a free education!"" The passerby says, ""You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."" The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ""Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."" The person says, ""I not American, I Viet…

""Boundaries are to protect life, not to limit pleasures."" Edwin Louis Cole Jassem, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio. ""What is your name?"" asked the teacher. ""Jassem"". . .. answered the kid. ""You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny,"" replied the teacher. In the evening, Jassem returned home. ""How was your day, Jassem?"" asked his mother. ""My name is not Jassem. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny. "" ""Ah, are you asham…

An arab child Jassem, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio. ""What is your name?"" asked the teacher. ""Jassem""- answered the kid. ""You are in America now, From now on your name will be Johnny,"" replied the teacher. In the evening, Jassem returned home. ""How was your day, Jassem?"" asked his mother. ""My name is not Jassem. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny. "" ""Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your herita…

A Little Old Lady.... .....walks into Bank of America and asks to open a savings account. The new accounts receptionist first thinks this is strange, probably because everyone is leaving them for credit unions now. At any rate, the accounts person asks her how much she wanted to deposit to open the account, and the little old lady replies, ""Three million dollars."" The accounts person is startled, and says, ""In what form?"" and the little old lady says, ""Cash. I've got it right here in this b…

A man moves to America. He comes knowing zero English, so decides to walk around and learn phrases. He first walks in a concert hall where a woman is warming up to sing. He hears her say ""me me me me"" and so he repeats. ""me me me me"" He's then hungry and goes to a restaurant. A small child at the next table chants, ""knife and fork! Knife and fork!"". So he, of course, repeats. ""knife and fork! Knife and fork!"". After his meal, he walks into a candy store. He sees a kid dancing around sing…

America, a land ... where many people think the moon landings were fake but professional wresting is real.

Back around 1800... A very patriotic American goes to visit England. The locals listen to his accent and determine he's from America. At hotel where he's staying, there's only one outhouse to use, and the locals hang up a portrait of George Washington on the inside, thinking he would be offended. However, they watch as he goes in, and then comes out laughing. When they ask him why he's laughing, and he says: ""Figures that George Washington can scare the shit out of any Englishman faster than an…

Joke about how dangerous China is An American tourist came to China and fell into a construction ditch, he came out, injured, and angrily told the tour guide, ""In America, in a dangerous area, we always put up red flags to warn people! Why wasn't there one here?"" The Chinese tour guide very calmly replied, ""Didn't you already see it when you entered the country?""

Portuguese man finds magic lamp A Portuguese man walking down the beach stumbles upon a rusty and dirty old lamp. Intrigued, he picks it up and rubs it trying to read the old etchings on the side, and out comes a genie! The genie says: ""You have released me, and for that I will grant you one wish!"" (hey, it's a Portuguese genie, we get shafted all the time, so we only get one wish instead of three) The man thinks for a bit and responds: ""I'd like a highway that connects us all the way to Amer…

Germany loses at home, and Japan beats America in overtime... M. Night Shyamalan's pitch for a World War II movie.

Fluctuations An older Chinese woman moved to America to live with her daughter. Knowing very little english and still getting a feeling for the area, the woman went to the bank to exchange some currency. She gave the teller a 100 yuan note and received $15.30. Very pleased with this she took the money and went about her day. The next week she comes back to the bank with another 100 yuan note, but only received $14.50. She asked the clerk what happened. 'Fluctuations,' he told her. 'Fluctumerican…

The truth about America... A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, ""Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"" The passerby says, ""You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."" The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ""Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."" The person says, ""I…

Favorite joke of my late grandfather A British man comes to America and decides he needs to do at least one really American thing before he leaves. He decides to go to a baseball game. After a couple of innings he thinks that he's got the gist of it and when the next batter hits he stands up in his seat and says ""Run swiftly my man, run swiftly!"" This continues on for sometime, until the pitcher throws four balls. The batter throws down his bat and the British man stands up and starts, ""Run s…

A man finds a genie in a bottle... A British man is walking a long a beach one day and finds a lamp in the sand. Hoping for the best he rubs it and almost instantly a genie appears. The genie says, ""for releasing me from this lamp I will grant you one wish."" The man is in a state of shock and awe from not only being granted a wish but what also he should wish for. After giving it some thought the man says, ""I have a fear of flying and have missed my brother who moved to America for quite some…

Should America Stop Dumping Money Into a Giant Hole? (theOnion)

The New York Post asked dozens of comedians working in America to pick the funniest jokes they've heard in the past year - and compiled a list of 50 of the best.

I can't believe that Trump is banning Muslims from the U.S. Like, Syria-sly America?

How come there are no Olympics in Mexico? Because all of the Mexicans that can run jump and swim are already in America.