#dating

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN. ROMANTIC WATER.

Padme: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who's not going to murder me. Anakin: You've chosen wisely.

Me: I have a huge crush on this girl. Him: What's her name? Me: I'm not telling you. Him: What does it start with at least? Me: @

I emailed my ex-girlfriend "Are you still alive" and she emailed back "No" which made me sad but also excited that they have email in hell.

Dating must've been so easy for cavemen. This my cave. This my fire. You like rock? I have many.

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I'm a dream.

Dating tip: Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her "Im a lawyer.Or AM I?" then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

Starting a dating site for people who just want someone to take a walk with after a big meal.

My ex can't take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

My boyfriend isn't allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex's there...

It's all fun and games until you find the Twitter crush who catfished you is infact your husband

[girlfriend talking to me but I can't hear her over crunch of my cereal] "I think we should see other people" Yeah sure thing, babe

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I'm dating Madonna now.

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend's been kidnapped "stay calm sir, what's ur girlfriend's name" oh she goes to another school u wouldn't know her

Been dating this new chick and some days i like her and some days i don't. so i made her a mixed signal tape

Me: 'I love you so much, I'll see you later beautiful' Girlfriend: 'I love you too' Me: *Looks up from patting dog* 'Yeah see you later'

I was so shocked when my girlfriend called me a lazy piece of shit in Walmart the other day that I almost fell off my motorized scooter.

"Your former crush likes this thing" "Your former crush likes this thing" "Your former crush likes this thing" -Facebook

My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I'm disgusted. What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?

Why crush your kid's imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy "doesn't exist" when you can just have her leave a suicide note?

"Ma'am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I'm gonna need you to step out of the car." "Um, I have a boyfriend."

She gets stoked after reading: "Big strapping boxer" on dating site But soon discovers he's a 475 lb. guy working in shipping at Amazon.

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!! PLEASE do not tell my husband

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

My girlfriend thinks that I can't cook, but as soon as I figure out how much Play-Doh is supposed to go in meatloaf, I'll prove her wrong.