#dating

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

[park bench with girlfriend] so you're dumping me because you don't think I'm smart? "yes brent" *starts raining* great and now sky water

*embraces diversity* Diversity: "I have a boyfriend"

I've just text my new girlfriend that I'm into all sorts of douchebaggery. Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say "Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?" And he can, he can hold them all.

Under the sea, under the sea...wouldn't the water pressure crush mermaids, realistically?

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates. The good ones are already taken.

Speed-dating, but it's just me going from table to table stealing fries from unsuspecting couples gazing longingly into each other's eyes

[talking to daughter's art major boyfriend] "You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan."

*boyfriend calls girlfriend* Bf: "Hey Babe, I love you!" Gf: "we're breaking up" Bf: "no we're not, I can hear you just fine."

Can I call you? Crush: Yes Errm, I called but you didn't pick Crush: I said you could call, I never said I'd pick up

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria's Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

My wife's favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying "me too" after she told me she had a boyfriend

I turned off Auto-Correct for the first time, and now my new girlfriend thinks she has a face that launched a 1000 shits.

I now pronounce you internet boyfriend and girlfriend. You may put your hand down your pants and kiss your phone.

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

[at funeral parlor with bereaved girlfriend] HER: You think these glass urns are a good idea? ME: Remains to be seen.

I slept through my girlfriend's alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that's why it's so tragically hard to meet

My girlfriend buys candles the same way I buy weed. She looks at the color, opens it and smells it, buys it, then lights it on fire to relax

My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.

* tries to spread peanut butter * Peanut Butter: I have a boyfriend

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: I signed you both up for Tinder *1 week later ME: You still want a divorce? THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

*pulls away from kissing my girlfriend's twin* TWIN: she'll never find out about us ME: thanks dude you're a trustworthy guy