#dating

*meets girl for coffee* *sets down blueprints for bank* "What's this?" Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

My girlfriend asked if I wanted to fast today and I thought she said fist. As a result, she was not amused and she may be pressing charges.

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I'm 1 million percent sure this is Adele's fault

My boyfriend is so bad at tongue-twisters, he can't even say "I love you" ONE times fast!!

[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] "do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you."

Don't leave me alone. Alone: I have a boyfriend.

Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.

*deletes fb account* *leaves social media* *goes to Himalayas* *pigeon comes with a note* *opens note* *candy crush request* *dies*

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

Girl, my life is full of tragedy. In 1997, my girlfriend was killed by a guy named Sephiroth. AND she was our party's only healer :(

Dating tip: find a guy with a compatible charger.

I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.

You're nice, cute & single? Can you introduce me to your friend who looks like he'd never return my texts? Yeah the one with the girlfriend.

*reaches for the stars* Stars: I have a boyfriend

My girlfriend hates when I say "I've got a surprise for you... in my pants.", then I unzip my pants and a squirrel jumps out and bites her.

A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.

Girlfriend kept nagging at me to put the toilet seat down. So here I am, crying in the middle of a field, with the seat & a shotgun.

Don't listen to anything your ex boyfriend says. He is always wrong. Unless he says you're spectacular and give good head, then, he is right

"So you met the victim on tinder" Yes "Do you often meet women on tinder"? Yeah I've been murdering it on there *lawyer puts head in hands*

My boyfriend said we can't hang out this weekend because he doesn't exist.

Is your girlfriend wife material? I'm building a giant wife.

Today is National Girlfriend's Day. But it will never be National Marriage Day. The calendar's just not ready for that kind of commitment.

Pretty awesome how you can buy chocolates on February 13th and everyone assumes you have a girlfriend & not a grudge w/ your neighbor's dog.

If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain Then you are some kind of weirdo *swipes left on tinder*

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share] ME: I knew she'd come crawling back to me one day