#politics

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where's my Oscar?

Things presently more popular than Congress: - shingles - those annoying stickers they put on apples - tofurkey - bone fractures - road ham

Now I really am just like Christine O'Donnell (not a Senator)

"I move that we eliminate paper money altogether and use only coins!" - a stack of change purses disguised as a US Senator

Liberal Congress people didn't get gunned down while a white guy was president. Just sayin'...

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I'll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

I used to think I'd never be able to be president because I'm a woman but now I know it's because I don't like drinking water

I can't wait to start blaming the GOP for everything wrong in America not being magically fixed upon their election to office.

WIFE: there's a bear outside our tent ME: so W: so scare him off M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president *bear jumps into fire*

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

Fox News reports that President Obama rapped his oath in Arabic while cutting the head off a goat.

The person who invented marriage was creepy as hell like hey yo I love you so much I'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave

Egypt needs a new president. I need a summer job. This could be perfect.

Let's call Trump the "Second Place President." He'll love that.

I'm starting to wonder if people just sneak into North Korea for a chance to hang out with an ex-president.

"911 what's your emergency?" "Yeah, I've got so many questions about bees." *sighs* "Please hold for the president."

"Guess I'll turn on the news to see what the government is up to" - The President of the United States

My grandpappy didn't come here from Norway so a black president could let immigrants park their low-riders in front of my liquor store!

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child. FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

My car keeps pulling to the right forcing me to steer left. Either the alignment is off or I'm trying to drive a Republican.

Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.

Dear congress, please text and drive.#governmentshutdown

[Obamacare Meeting] *Biden raises hand* *Obama sighs* Yes Joe? Will the doctor still have lollipops? Sure. *Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

"Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria." "What's Updog?" "[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.