#politics

We need to run the government like a business. Specifically a Quizno's with a bat infestation, staffed by emotionally unbalanced retirees.

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex's hometown, buy her a puppy.

I'm 97% sure President Reagan would be riding a horse through the Middle East right now punching terrorists in the face.

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

Mitt Romney announcing he's not running for president is like Johnny Depp announcing there won't be a sequel to Mortdecai.

What if all conspiracy theories are started by the government in order to cover up what they're really doing?

Government Shutdown: Day 13 Anthony Weiner decides to help. He takes a photo. He tweets. Congress now sees where balls are located.

im leavin the united states now that trump is president i am packing my bags and moving to alaska i don't wanna live in this country anymore

Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

"President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?" The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

Torn this election season. I think it would be awesome to have the first woman president. But I'm also curious about the apocalypse.

[starts chanting in unison] In Unison! In Unison! In Unison! Government Official: I don't know what he wants, all I know is I don't like it.

Obama: "I have no more campaigns to run...because I won both of them" Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

Wondering why we have 50 candidates for Miss America, but only 2 for president. Also, why no swimsuit competition?

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

I want this election to be over so badly you'd think it was a friend's play.

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

If I were a famous president I would totally use money as photo I.D.

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

The government closed my non-profit clean needle exchange because we were just wiping 'em off with an old rag.

BREAKING: President Obama shows solidarity with victims in war-torn countries by posting another selfie with celebrities.

President Obama has done nothing for the people of Ohio. For example they still live there

I just saw a list of candidates for the local Juvenile Judge election and I just don't think juveniles should even be able to be judges idk