#politics

Look, Clinton's gonna win. US President order has to follow Star Trek Captain order: white guy, white guy, black guy, woman, Scott Bakula.

Some say Ambien and vodka make strange bedfellows. I say what a lovely pancake time machine, Madame President. Also, why am I a table?

I'm no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be: "oh you think BUSH was terrible?"

Don't try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.

The government should pay for everyone to get massages on November 9th.

Ted Cruz thinks: 1. Presidents should pray every day 2. More prayers the better 3. Muslims pray 5x day 4. Ted Cruz wants a Muslim president.

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions. I'd be living in Government Assisted Housing.

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

Bully: "Hey, four eyes!" Me: "Don't you mean... fork eyes?" [Turns around. Stabs bully with forks tied to glasses. Becomes class president.]

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn't be friends with anymore.

Past elections: Which candidate will most improve our country? 2016 election: Which candidate is least likely to start The Purge?

850: Number of nukes Sarah Palin would have dropped on North Carolina in the last few hours if she were President. #korea

Congress just passed a bill that makes it legal to murder those friends who respond to a text by calling you.

The more Sarah Palin talks to the media about running for president in 2012, the closer we get to Googling "Mayan Calendar".

Only 50 more days til we find out who's our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

"We do not negotiate with Pterodactyls."- President Barack Obamasaurus

So you've had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I'm crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

My child: Mom, there's a monster under my bed. Me: "That's impossible, they're all running for president right now."

I've done it, finally. I invented a pill that makes your farts smell exactly the way your food tasted. Get me the President

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you- [two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow] That wasn't the intercom.

"I'm a great listener." - The US government on a first date.

[oval office] SECRETARY: (shrieks) there's a dead rat on my desk! PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

It's Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!