HOW DO PIGS TALK? SWINE LANGUAGE.

How do you get a hippie off your door step? Pay for the pizza and close the door.

A Latvian Haiku Where is potatoes? This winter is very cold. Family is starve.

Math Joke How can you tell an extrovert mathematician from an introvert mathematician? An extrovert mathematician will be looking at the other guy's shoes.

King Arthur and the Witch Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most kn…

John Wayne vs. Johnnie Walker What the difference between John Wayne and Johnnie Walker? Johnnie Walker is still killing indians.

How do you make a Kleenex dance? You put a little boogie in it.

A Question of Communication A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce? She replied, "About four acres with a little home in the middle of the property." "No," said the judge. "I mean, what is the foundation of this case?" "It's made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle in town, as well as my husbands parents." He said, "Do you …

What do you call two gay Irishmen? Michael FitzPatrick and Patrick FitzMichael. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

WHY DO COWS LIE DOWN IN THE RAIN? TO KEEP EACH UDDER DRY.

Bill Gates suddenly dies... ...and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go." Bill p…

The Blind Clerk A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir.. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it…

Did you hear about the LEGO truck that crashed on the highway? Authorities are still trying to piece everything together...

Knock Knock! **Knock Knock** Who's there? **Britney Spears** Britney Spears who? **Knock Knock** Who's there? **Oops I did it again!**

Did you hear about the guy who is both a taxidermist and a veterinarian? He has a sign on his door: “Either way, you get your dog back.”

Who the hell names food anyway? I recently started a new job and soon realized that some crazy fool was giving names to all of the food in the break room refrigerator. Today I had a tuna sandwich named 'Bob'.

What do you call an overweight hobbit's belly? His Middle Girth

Racist St. Peter Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back." St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!" St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks …

Zebra dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him and informs him that all newcomers to heaven are allowed a single question to ask of The Almighty. Pete gestures to a magnificent pedestal nearby and says to Zebra, "just step up there and ask away." Zebra walks over to the pedestal and nervously steps on. The pedestal immediately illuminates with blinding light and a booming voice from above echoes, "WHAT TRUTH DOES THY SEEK MY CHILD?" Zebra looks up an…

I asked my Welsh friend... How many shags have you had? He started counting then fell asleep.

SIXTY NINER anybody? A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oo…

What do you get when you have Avogadro's number of donkeys? Molasses.

A Black Woman So there is a black woman who has four kids. The first one is named Tyrone. The second one is named Tyrone. The third one is named Tyrone. And the fourth one is maned Tyrone. How does she tell them apart? By their last name.

What's going on? A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple in a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver's seat and a young lady in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine. The officer knocks on the window and asks whats going on. "Listening to music," the guy says. Pointing toward the lady in the backseat, the officer asks, "And what's she doing?" "Reading a magazine, of course." "How old are you?" asks the officer. "I'm 28." "And how …

What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts? Glue.