What I don't understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He's just a fat, lecherous crook. Wait

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch* *winks*

Sometimes I think we're all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE'S DINNER SHE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

Beer makes me feel invincible. Vodka makes me feel innvienceablrerrer. *falls down*

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy's capital.

Your make-up application says "I failed Clown College".

my son is only in 4th grade but he snap chats at a 7th grade level

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

I'm only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

When I was in 3rd grade my teacher smoking in the classroom told us not to tell well I'm telling you now

I carry a gun because I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.

I would be so ashamed if I had a kid who didn't want to be famous.

I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.

You can never really be alone... Except if you don't have a smart phone.

Paula Deen should create her own brand of butter called I Can't Believe It's Not 1860.

[Lions watching a romantic comedy about humans] Why doesn't he simply mount her with no apparent warning?

[first date] Him: You're amazing! I'm having a great time! Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.

"Girl, your rhinestone encrusted flip phone tricked me into thinking you were a princess!" - No one ever

I've got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I've also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don't be a smart-ass".

You deserve a handjob from Edward Scissorhands.

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

At my funeral I want a dozen doves recaptured.