Just spent 15 minutes explaining football to my 5-year-old daughter. Now I think I'll go explain health care reform to the cat.

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse) Friends: Are you sure you've played water polo before?

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

"Daddy, I want to watch Dora." Sweetie this is Dora. It's the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer

Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game? Me: because mommy isn't there to do it.

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

Coaching my son's soccer team, I thought moms would be all over me - no! They are always, "The popsicles are for AFTER the game." Bitches.

ME: im nervous GIRLFRIEND: dont be M: what are some of his interests GF: he likes football [later] GF'S DAD: nice to meet u M: *tackles him*

"I love to collect big white basketball shoes!!!!" - someone with the opposite brain of me

Nike is coming out with a line of Air Brady football shoes. They have a built in suspension feature. You just have to let some air out.

I don't even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullshit.

My dad told me they once had to cancel a football season because John Madden ate all of the footballs.

I bet if a soccer announcer sees a monster, he probably yells: "GHOOOOUL!"

My 9 year old daughter just beat me at Wii baseball... I'll bet she's on the juice.

Aw, this paint is already dry. Guess I'll watch baseball.

Barista won't write "Air Bud was bullshit" on my coffee cup. We've been arguing for 20 minutes. HE'S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

I'd like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.

The thing I love about baseball is that it has all the excitement of football, packed into 162 4 hour games.

A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.

Hey, guys. Love college basketball? You should see this thing CBS is doing this weekend. Crazy!

My mom likes to call from baseball games just to say she can't hear me 25 times.