"No mom I DON'T HAVE a boyfriend!" -lie you tell at 18. "No mom I HAVE a boyfriend!" -lie you tell at 28.

As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be: "Let me see your phone"

"Pika pika pika!" [translated] "I'm sorry, children. Your father was stolen by a Pokemon trainer who has to beat a child named Gary."

Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls

8 out of 10 men prefer not to date psychotic women with bad tempers, emotional baggage and daddy issues. To the other two.... Hi, I'm MJ

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I'M IN A GANG NOW

A lot of you are calling me "mom" lately. Is it cause I'm old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it's cause I'm old.

As a kid, I didn't want to get caught misbehaving by my parents. Now I'm a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

Mom: I think I'm gonna make a twitter Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year... Mom: That's expensive I'll stick with Facebook Me: Aww too bad

"If all your friends jumped" 'Yes' "But if they" 'Yes' "But" 'IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I'M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?

[arcade] KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine DAD: hey buddy, why don't you give the kid a turn LOBSTER: BACK OFF WE'RE IN LOVE

"My husband's a talented voice actor & his brother's a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person" -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

"Daddy, where do babies come from?" From mommies. "How do they get inside?" CAN'T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN'T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

"Daddy, I want to watch Dora." Sweetie this is Dora. It's the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Cool prank: Gradually remove a little bit of your mom's arm bones each night in her sleep until her arms are just totally floppy

Mom, dad... I'm gay. I didn't know either, someone on the internet told me

Mom, can you take us to the maul? -teen bears, probably

"Can you validate my parking?" "You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud." *wipes away tears* "Thanks."

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don't worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

*covers kids eyes* "Hey Billy, guess who?" "Dad!" "Nope" "I knw its u dad. I know ur voice" "Its not ur dad" "Stop jking" "Ur adopted"

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, "Duck". His mother slaps him.

I never touch baby carrots because I'm afraid the mother will reject them.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name But Imma call you "Hal" for short, 'k, Chief?

that horrifying moment when a kid asks u to help find his mom bc he was always told if he was lost to ask a grownup & u realize ur a grownup