Beer makes me feel invincible. Vodka makes me feel innvienceablrerrer. *falls down*

Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

Old enough to know better, but still too drunk to care.

I feel a weird sense of pride when I'm so drunk that autocorrect just gives up.

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, "why the long face?" & the horse says, "why the English Lit degree?"

Wife: We need to go to the store. We're out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We're out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home: 1. He talks to you. 2. He buys you a drink. 3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I'm... lacktoes intolerant *opens another beer*

If bars can say no to drunk people why won't McDonalds say no to fat people?

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer per year. That's 41 miles per gallon...which is not bad.

FRIENDS reunion (2016) RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up CHANDLER: [texting from home] same... work JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it'd probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.

Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming "KITT!" When he can't find his car.

I am at my most drunk when I go from chat room to chat room yelling WHO STOLE MY POPTART!!

If you're at a bar & see a security camera, make the Halpert Face at it. If the cops are ever reviewing the footage, it'll give em a laugh

Cop: Have you been drinking? Me: *sips beer Cop: That was stupid. Me: So was your question.

"No, YOU'VE had too much to drink!" ~Me, to this bar stool

My Website Hacking 101 class is going okay. I just learned how to bypass the Birth Date Security on beer websites.

Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago

A fun thing to do is comment "that ain't the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos

*approaches girl in bar* *passes right through her* *i've been dead for 73 years*

When I was a kid. I used to come home drunk & beat my Dad.

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

I once was lost, but now I'm drunk, was blind but now, I pee.