Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!" - literally no one ever

Justin Bieber's home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me

Cop: Know why I stopped you? The dead guy in my trunk? Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift's over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don't describe me to the police as "Quiet and keeps to herself."

Officer: "didn't you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?" Me: "yes I did officer. But this isn't my car"

when I grow up I want to be the guy who wears a puffy suit and gets attacked by police dogs

I'll never rob a store because I don't want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst... So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!

Officer: Do you know you have a blinker out? Me: Yes, officer. Officer: When did you plan on getting that fixed? Me: 2005

Chief: You're the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge! Me: *realising I left both in my son's crib* Uhhhhh....

[police lineup] VICTIM: That's him! The dopey fat guy in the middle. COP: We haven't started yet. That's your own reflection in the glass.

Cop: Have you been drinking? Me: *sips beer Cop: That was stupid. Me: So was your question.

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back me: that doesn't sound like her, she never kept a knife there

First date: [ok, don't let her know you're a cop] Her: do you come here often? Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape? Cop 2: Nah, he's locked up in there good. Simon: Simon Says free me. Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I'll be there in 6 hours

Cop: Why did you burn that building down? Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing. Cop: You're free to go.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you-- ME: Handcuff keys COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy's good

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle? Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker. Me:He was much better at fighting than me. Police:Ok is there anything else?

Apparently, it's frowned upon to walk up to two police officers and ask "what are you douchebags up to?"

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like "is this the guy?" And they would be like "nope that's a barn" because I can only draw barns

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I'M DRUNK NOT DEAF