#simon

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape? Cop 2: Nah, he's locked up in there good. Simon: Simon Says free me. Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

When I die, I'm donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they're not into it

[weather guy on TV] "Today there will be 12 clouds. One is called Simon"

*Walks into school* Simon says give me your Pokemon cards Ok now close your eyes *Walks out* Kids are so dumb I didn't even say Simon says

Call your boring friend Simon, "Sighmon" he'll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

[bedroom] Her: omg don't stop Me: what was that? Her: *sighs* Simon says don't stop

The key to Simon & Garfunkel's success was that one was big and one was small. Before, duos were always the same size. They changed the game

A friend of mine asked me how he could become a more effective boss... I said, just change your name to Simon.

The Harvard school newspaper held a contest for the best pun anybody could come up with, top prize being $500. Simon, an English major, and quite the cunning linguist, submitted his ten best puns, one of which he was sure would win top prize. The newspaper carefully reviewed each of Simon's entries to see if they would best the other submissions but unfortunately no pun in ten did.

Ted runs into Al and exclaims . . . ""Al! You're alive! Simon told me you were dead"". ""Hardly"" laughs Al. ""As you can see I am quite alive"". ""Impossible"" says Ted. ""Simon is much more reliable than you"".

I'm opening up a pirate-themed restaurant. It'll serve breakfast food and beer, and it will be run by the guy who plays Scotty in the new Star Trek movies. It's called Simon Pegg's Eggs, Kegs & Peg Legs.

My favorite joke to tell when i am out at the bars Okay, so this true story. In high school I had a friend named Simon. He wasn't popular or particularly good looking. In fact he was a little socially awkward. He was on the chess team, ate lunch in the hallways while playing card games (magic the gathering & games like that), and had a roller backpack. Now Simon had an enormous crush on this girl named Jennifer. He had spent four years (both seniors) staring at her and not once had enough co…

Gospel of Andrew: Jesus Chooses the 12 Disciples Jesus summoned His twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every kind of disease and every kind of sickness. Now the names of the twelve apostles are these: The first, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew his brother; and James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother; Philip and Bartholomew; Matthew the tax collector; James the son of Alphaeus, and Judas Thaddaeus, Simon the Zealot, and Judas…

Jesus dropped his cross for the 3rd time, and Simon of Cyrene said to him: ""Do you even lift bro?""

Gospel of Andrew: Jesus Appoints the 12 Disciples Jesus summoned His twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every kind of disease and every kind of sickness. Now the names of the twelve apostles are these: The first, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew his brother; and James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother; Philip and Bartholomew; Thomas and Matthew the tax collector; James the son of Alphaeus, and Judas Thaddaeus, Simon the Zealo…

I heard Simon say, ""Turn to the next page.""

People say musicians are gems I used to think Simon and Garfunkel were real gems, but then I about diamond and carbuncle.

Simon walked up to his house, there was a note on the door... ...which said, ""Simon, it's Mum, I have left the key to the house at the shop, come and get it."" He went and got the key but he wanted to go skateboarding and didn't want to go back to the shop where his mother worked. So he wrote a note on the door saying, ""Mum, I have put the key under the doormat, remember the alarm is 6587.""

Teacher: ""Simon, can you say your name backwards?"" Simon: ""No Mis""

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. ""It's very brave of you to come out here,"" says Matthew. ""Please tell the audience what happened."" ""Well,"" replies Simon, ""about a year ago, I ... Read more...

I'm clingy, but not "" Simon Cowell's t-shirt"" clingy.

1. Sag, You're it. 2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket. 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Doc Goose. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Hide and go pee. 9 Spin the Bottle of Mylanta. 10. Musical recliners.

The teacher asked Simon to say his name backwards. ""No mis"" he replied

Home - A - Age Jokes ""That's an excellent essay for someone your age"" said the English teacher. ""How about for someone my Mum's age Miss?"" ""Welcome to school Simon"" said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. ""How old are you?"" ""I'm not old"" said Simon. ""I'm nearly new."" Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine. ""How old are you ma'am?"" asked Fred. ""I'm not going to tell you that"" she replied. ""But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the…

During one of our lessons, I asked the children what their fathers did for a living. "My Dad runs the fire station. He's the station officer," said Simon. "Very good, Simon. Anyone else?" "My Dad runs the local prison," piped up Billy. "Excellent, Billy. Is he the prison governor?" I asked. "No, sir, he's just the hardest cunt in there."