Your make-up application says "I failed Clown College".

When I was in 3rd grade my teacher smoking in the classroom told us not to tell well I'm telling you now

Whenever I'm behind a college girl in starbucks she has to order a triple mocha dark chocolate raspberry ugg boot white iphone 5 spice latte

Went to "The Social Network." I ran into people I didn't like in high school and they kept showing me pictures of their kids.

Kids: haha you have to work and we don't have school today Me *closing the front door* I changed the wifi password. Love you guys!

[high school] Teacher: do u have your homework? Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

Your volume level is at a flamboyantly gay band geek and I need you to turn it down to a shy Asian transfer student.

Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.

-Come on, it's time to go -No -We are going to be late -I hate school -But Mum, you have to take me!

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

A mentally ill man shot himself in the head as a suicide attempt. The bullet cured his disorder and he became a straight-A college student.

Me: How was your first day of school? 5-year-old: Long. Me: I'm sure tomorrow will be better. 5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean

HR: The delivery job is yours. Me: Great! HR: Do u have a reliable car? Me: Yes. HR: Model? Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

I'm not saying that I haven't incorporated math into my adult life. I'm just saying I could've dropped out after elementary school.

Logged out of Twitter for a few hours... Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular....

"Who's sorry now?" ~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

I walk into the main office of a new school: Secretary: You a sub? *cheeks blush* Me: Who have you been talking to?

"Dr. Oz" sounds like the guy you'd buy shrooms from in community college.

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school. 4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest? My wife: He cried the most.

confession time "hogwarts" is a super gross thing to name a school and as a child I kinda hoped it would get destroyed because of that

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school [from the back] "what about the other 65% of us?"