Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

Fired from my court room sketch artist job, for putting thought bubbles on people's heads saying "The court room sketch artist is so hunky."

If you roll out your chapstick more than an inch, I'll see you in court.

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you'll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to "sit".

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

what does the Bible say about faking your own death to get out of jury duty

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an "attorney" one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

How about a really bad food court where planes land? Pitch for every airport

Urban Dictionary is fake, and cannot be used in a court of law. I know that now.

[SPELLING BEE] JUDGE: Bourgeoisie ME: Really? W o w JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie ME:*clears throat* Eff - U - See - Kay - U

Girl, are your legs tired? Cuz you were running through my dreams all night and you did some amazing parkour & also kicked a judge to death.

I tweet because it's fun and I like the validation, but also because one day it'll prove to a jury how crazy I am.

[In Court] Does the Defense have any last words? *defense rises* DE-FENSE *Judge holds up picket fence* DE-FENSE *Jury starts The Wave*

COP: The killer wrote a message on the victim's mirror ME: You can't prove it was me COP: It was written in Dorito dust ME: I want a lawyer

Friend: I'm about to appear in court. Me: Best of luck! Kill it!! Friend:...not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

Dude on Amtrak I sized up as being a lawyer just used "litigation" during a phone call. Feeling powerful right now.

My girlfriend HATES it when I sneak up on her. According to her lawyer she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend ( ._.)

I want to become a lawyer just so I can defend all my clients in court by saying, "I mean, don't we all make mistakes"

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend. Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

I haven't got the nut ratios just right yet, so it's more of a trial mix.

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years Me: That's a long sentence! Judge: Ok - "you get 10 years"

I'm glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn't want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

Bailiff: State your name for the court Hr: Clara Sofia Alba Constanza Guadalupe... Judge: That's enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

[Spelling Bee] Judge: Your word is... Grease. Me: Grease is the word? Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.

After getting out of jury duty, it dawned on me that our nation's trials are decided by 12 people too stupid to get out of jury duty.