I would be so ashamed if I had a kid who didn't want to be famous.

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how Tree Trunk' is doing

I stuck a "Baby On Board" sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic's bad or I miss my nap.

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don't remember buying any of this stuff. Or having an Asian baby.

Sorry I stuck a cheese puff in your baby's mouth when you couldn't find a pacifier.

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

"Pika pika pika!" [translated] "I'm sorry, children. Your father was stolen by a Pokemon trainer who has to beat a child named Gary."

Avoid cars that have a sign saying 'baby on board'. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

How do you say "I'm sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day." in Korean?

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you'll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to "sit".

*popular kid is struggling in class *gets a tutor to help *Kool-Aid

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

HERE'S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU'LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS. - Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

As a kid, I didn't want to get caught misbehaving by my parents. Now I'm a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

Next time someone wants you to hold a baby, say "I'm so bad with live babies!"

I kid you not. -Condom wearers

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i'll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

[arcade] KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine DAD: hey buddy, why don't you give the kid a turn LOBSTER: BACK OFF WE'RE IN LOVE

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in. "What is this? It tastes like hair," said one ungrateful child.

A fight or flight situation. Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher's walking towards you with "the look" on her face.

The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun.

hi yeah I'm here about the junior executive position. my skills? well I'm SUPER GOOD at playing video games i found too difficult as a child

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries