She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them.

I would be so ashamed if I had a kid who didn't want to be famous.

Hi, I'm a high paid business consultant. I see you've named your business "Dale's Paint Supplies" but what if it was named "Best Dog Memes"

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*