told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

I'll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how Tree Trunk' is doing