I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

HERE'S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU'LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS. - Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

Next time someone wants you to hold a baby, say "I'm so bad with live babies!"

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.