It's Palm Sunday and we didn't drink the wine out of a coconut? I don't know why this church even has a suggestion box.

Using my toes to pick something up makes it hard to go to church on Sunday.

angel: they seem to be doing well God: give them more diseases angel: is that really necess- God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

It doesn't matter if I go to church or the gym as long as I can act superior later, right?

[Me and a friend have movie night, order pizza and do some acid] Me: "Hell yeah" Friend: "Hell yeah" Pizza: "Oh hell yeah"

Two days ago: omg, I'm so glad I found my watch, I'll never misplace it again! Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

I bet in hell you have to sleep in a hot bedroom with a pillow that never has a cool side.

what does the Bible say about faking your own death to get out of jury duty

me: hi sloth: HELL!!!! me: ..umm [walks away] sloth: ..oh :(

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, "Thanks!"--please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

its adam and eve not woody and buzz, if you want a real toy story read the bible

Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.

Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I'll probably live forever.

I wonder if they have WiFi in Hell...

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

Can we stop calling it 'Breaking news' and start calling it 'bloody hell what now'

ME: bae, you wanna go out? HER: hell yeah ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name But Imma call you "Hal" for short, 'k, Chief?

Apparently, "Dude, that's the best she's EVER going to look" was not the type of objection to the marriage the priest was asking about.

If I have a son, he's going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it'll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

"Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?" "No." "Why not, sir?" "Because, it would make my rabbi sad."

Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves? Me: Dying people are moths?

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you're continuing to tweet.

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, she's still alive.

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.