At my funeral I want a dozen doves recaptured.

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It's what he would have wanted.

I really hope I don't wake up tomorrow morning. I don't want to die, sometime in the afternoon would be nice, or even the next day

Cop: Know why I stopped you? The dead guy in my trunk? Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift's over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

"You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder." "Look, I'm a lot of things--" "Are you a murderer?" [bites lower lip] "Little bit."

Just write any numbers in the sudoku boxes. It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die.

NURSE: Doctor, I've lost the cat's pulse VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05

I bet the first thing that happens after you die is you get charged some sort of fee.

HERE'S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU'LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS. - Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

what does the Bible say about faking your own death to get out of jury duty

The Walking Dead is Jesus's favorite show.

Whoa I'm floating! Am I...dead? "No it's a dream" What a relief! Wait. Who said that? Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit Uh nobody go back to sleep

Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

[funeral] ME: I never know what to say at these things. WIDOW: sorry for your loss. ME: it's ok, I'm sure I'll think of something.

So happy I got to see "bucket list" added to the dictionary before I die.

[gets found guilty of murder] [sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat] [appeals] [gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die) TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury. "You've made a grave mistake!" He fumes.

The way to a man's heart is thru his stomach. At least that's what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead. [at hospital] Doctor: I'm afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He's deed.

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME'S TOM AND I'LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

Don't forget to make the strands of dead cells growing from ur skull look cute so u can attract a potential mate.