"You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder." "Look, I'm a lot of things--" "Are you a murderer?" [bites lower lip] "Little bit."

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

Feeling sick at work. Subway to the bus-$5 Bus to commuter lot-$2 Puking in my car-$0 Guy in the car next to me puking in response-priceless

"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!" - literally no one ever