Hi, I'm a high paid business consultant. I see you've named your business "Dale's Paint Supplies" but what if it was named "Best Dog Memes"

I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how Tree Trunk' is doing

She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them.

You're either a dog person or a non person.

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I'm eating.

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven't been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

I just laid on my cat's keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

While other countries are doubling down on education, we're using chicken breasts as sandwich bread.

I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, "why the long face?" & the horse says, "why the English Lit degree?"

If you haven't taken at least 25,000 pictures of your cat then you shouldn't have a cat.

I'll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

I have Facebook like reflexes. "Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?" *throws a book and hits you right in the face*

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Just spent 15 minutes explaining football to my 5-year-old daughter. Now I think I'll go explain health care reform to the cat.

When Leo said, "To all my friends, you know who you are" he was talking about the bear

No one gave an f about his chicken when he was Lieutenant Sanders

NURSE: Doctor, I've lost the cat's pulse VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse) Friends: Are you sure you've played water polo before?

*shaves 'I Dogs' into my chest hair for the Westminster Dog Show but just as I take my shirt off a car full of cats rolls up*