Tim Burton could've saved a lot of money on 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead.

I'm hoping someone puts razor blades in my daughter's Halloween candy this year because those things are ridiculously expensive.

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrodinger house is quite stressful.

Cats act so cool all year long & then Christmas comes and they eat tinsel.

I don't go on Facebook much so Dave, if you're seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year's party, hope you had fun dude.

Merry Christmas. Did anyone get a car with a giant ribbon on top? Has anyone ever? Do those ribbons even exist?

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief: - denial - anger - strong language - moderate violence - a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

Then Satan said, "Let's convince everyone they need to go gluten free." And that kids, was the Christmas fiasco of 2015.

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine's Day.

This Halloween I will be dressing up as Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 by RSVPing to all possible parties & attending absolutely none of them.

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

I'm going to protect my tweets on Christmas this year so Santa can't "know when I'm not sleeping or know when I'm awake." Take that!

[Christmas] 6:30kids are excited 7:30kids are playing 8:00kids are fighting 9:00kids are crying 9:15wife is yelling 9:30I am drinking

The awkward moment when Lady Gaga has no idea what to wear for halloween.

The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said "day before Valentine's Day" like I'm some genius who knows when Valentine's Day is.

For Easter, I will hide pieces of IKEA furniture all over the house and then have my kid assemble it. If she succeeds, she gets chocolate.

If turkeys go extinct and we start eating giraffes for Thanksgiving, I got dibs on the neck.

New Year's Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

I don't know who's worse, the people who sign their cats' names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family. *walks out of pharmacy*

New Year's resolution is to stop drinking. Dies of thirst.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country's obesity statistics.

My mother has now been sending me a Valentine's card for 28 years. She's persistent but I'm not interested.