#valentines

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine's Day.

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said "day before Valentine's Day" like I'm some genius who knows when Valentine's Day is.

My mother has now been sending me a Valentine's card for 28 years. She's persistent but I'm not interested.

For Valentine's Day my GF upped my life insurance policy. Unrelated, anyone know why there's a ticking sound coming from underneath my car?

I call McDonald's to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine's candy to show up just as we're all giving up on New Year resolutions.

Happy Valentine's Day!! If you don't have that perfect someone in your life, you are worthless. Die.

VALENTINE'S DAY PLAN: Go to the homes of all couples who Instagram pictures of fancy restaurants and rob them while they're eating dinner.

I don't celebrate Valentine's Day ever since I took a girl out for heart shaped pizza and I realized it was smaller than normal pizza.

To all newly married guys..... If you screw up Valentine's Day, you'll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine's Day. When they answer "dinner", you should say "no...after that".

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's Day, the side chic is you.

"I got you this for Valentine's Day." [she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside] "I think we should see other people."

Sometimes I feel like Valentine's Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.

For valentine's day, I'm taking my wife to see "50 Shades". How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

911: What's your emer- She said don't get her anything for Valentine's Day! 911: And you didn't? No! 911: Placing you in protective custody.

Wife: Valentine's day is right around the corner. Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

Lady Gaga got engaged on Valentine's Day with a heart-shaped ring, indicating her fiance shares her love for bold originality.

"Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest": me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is nothing but a commercialized holiday created by pharmaceutical companies to get lonely singles to buy antidepressants.

Not having a date on Valentine's Day doesn't really worry me... It's those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

Fun Fact: Valentine's Day was created by a woman than didn't get what she wanted for Christmas.

GF's friend didn't keep my Valentine's gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

Let's take a moment this Valentine's Day to think about how awkward it is for all the couples who started dating in January.