#valentines

Valentine's Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I'm still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I'm not getting cheated on.

need a last minute valentine's day gift for that special lady? why not give her the timeless gift of my phone number

rroses are red, violets are blue, Valentine's Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine's Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.

Halloween and Valentine's day are pretty much the same thing... people dress up and pretend to be someone they're not for some sugar

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine's Day so I guess I'll stay home with the kids.

Denied candy because I "didn't wear red". Kicked out of the office because I "didn't wear pants". I'm tired of these Valentine's Day rules.

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine's Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

Every year on Valentine's Day, I put a smile on my wife's face by taking down the Christmas tree.

My wife is from England so I gave her a good Rogering for Valentine's Day. He just left and she seemed to enjoy it, so... score?

If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.

Stores and their non-secular agendas have switched from selling Christmas stuff to Valentine's Day stuff, completely ignoring Toyotathon.

Has the passing of the holidays left you feeling alone in the world, unloved and depressed? Don't worry, Valentine's Day is coming right up!

"Honey, remember our first date?" "Awh, are you planning something for Valentine's?" "No, I forgot my password. It's the security question."

If it's not Valentine's Day and you see a man in flower shop, you can probably start the conversation with "What did you do?".

Happy Valentine's Day! So what's everyone doing with their cats tonight??

For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife I thought that was an awesome trade

Gonna get my girlfriend a pickaxe for Valentine's Day. Because she's a Minor

""Mummy, why did you call me Rose""? The lady's daughter asked. ""well"" her mother replied ""when you had just been born your father bought me some flowers for Valentine's day, and a rose petal dropped on your head, so we called you Rose."" Her daughter, satisfied with this response skips away happily. ""Mummy!"" her second daughter said ""why did you call me Lily?"" ""well"" responded her mother ""when you had just been born your father bought me some flowers for my birthday, and a Lily petal …

One female office worker asks another if she's excited for Valentine's Day ""Nah, it's the same thing every year. My husband buys me flowers, and then expects me to sit with my legs in the air for the rest of the night,"" she replies. ""What, don't you own a vase?""

If you're worried about not getting a New Year's Eve kiss this year, just remember Valentine's Day is coming up and you're probably going to be alone for that, too.

Dreams. After she woke up, a woman told her husband, ""I just dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"" ""You'll know tonight,"" he said. That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened itto find a book entitled: ""The Meaning of Dreams.""

What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. But, if roses were called ""herpes"" they'd make terrible Valentine's Day gifts.

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, ""I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss."" Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery. As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs a…

I told my gf she'd look hotter with her hair back. Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient. I don't know why she's so upset, I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend. She has her whole life to get her hair back, I only have 153 days until Valentine's Day. (Combined 2 jokes I heard plus added the last part).