#valentines

Let's ask ISIS to be our Valentine Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. ""Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,"" she asks, ""Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine? Thelma's father thinks a bit then says ""No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"" ""The whole ISIS group,"" she says. ""Why them,"" her father asks in shock? ""Well,"" she …

How to Skrillex sign his Valentine's Day cards? I wub wub wub you....

St. Valentine's day Two blondes chat: ""What you gonna do on St. Valentine's day?"" ""What day is it?"" ""Friday."" ""Shepherd's Pie.""

No Valentine On Valentines Day? Don't worry if you don't have a valentine on valentine's day.. Most people don't even have AIDS on World AIDS day..

Had a three-way on Valentine's night... Me and Ben & Jerrys. I'm so lonely.

Excuse me, do you have a valentine's card that says ""You're the love of my life""? - Yes. - Great. Give me 10.

Side chicks are getting leftover Halloween candy for Valentine's Day ""Why'd you give me ghost shaped candy?"" ""Cuz you my BOO""

Role play on Valentine's Day I am driving with my girlfriend on Valentine's Day, when we decide to stop over in a quiet and dark place near the route. Nobody could ever notice us there, and things were going to start getting hot. She suddenly starts forcing her voice and grabs her hair, and says ""*I could start talking like this and make a pony tail to pretend I am a high school girl!*"". And I replied ""*That's okay sweetheart, you don't need to act older for me*"" [Source](http://www.yoaca.co…

You're my one and only love. One day, a gorgeous young woman comes into the stationery and asks the clerk: -Do you have cards with a red heart, an arrow trough it and ""You are my One and only Love."" written in big golden letters? -Sure we do, valentine's right around the corner. -Good, I'll take a dozen please.

Rhyming Couplet A local daily ran a competition around Valentine's Day asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line. Here are some of the best enteries: My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife, Marrying you messed up my life. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; everything you are not. I love your smile, your face and your eyes, Damn, I'm good at telling lies! My feelings …

So, there was an earthquake in Georgia. Guess your mom had a good Valentine's Day.

A Valentine's Day Poem for your Sweetheart Roses are red, Violets are blue, For Valentine's Day, I would like to sodomize you.

Penguin puns Not sure if I'm in the right subreddit or not. Sorry if I am. Anyways I'm trying to write a Valentine's day card for my girlfriend and I got her a stuffed penguin and I wanted to include a cute penguin pun. Anyone know any?

Roses are red... Valentine's Day is Crap! I don't have a girlfriend so FAP FAP FAP!

Life is like a box of chocolates. They're cheaper the day after Valentine's Day.

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars. The clerk looks and her and says ""I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"" ""Yeah"" she responds, ""how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"" ""Nah, you're ugly""

For Valentine's Day, I bought a bottle of champagne and a box of chocolates... ...and passed out alone on the couch, same as every night.

A Date on the Beach A man once took his sweetheart for a Valentine's Day picnic on the beach. All was going well, when suddenly they were attacked by nesting shorebirds. I guess you could say their enchanted evening took a tern for the worse.

The Meaning of dreams One morning, after she woke up, a woman told her husband, ""I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"" ""Maybe you'll find out tonight...,"" he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled:""The Meaning of Dreams.""

Some (eye-rolling) Chemistry Pick-up Lines for the Valentine's season * Are you made of Carbon? Because it feels like my world revolves around you. * You're my Lithium. * Are you an anion? Because I'm positive we're meant to be together. * My heart is made of Gallium. It melts when you're close to me. * Are you Fluorine? Because i can't seem to get myself away from you. * My heart burns like a mole of suns for you. * If I could rearrange the periodic table, I'd put U and I together. * Who needs …

Tips for Guys on Valentine's Day: Tell your girl you already got somethingn and make her guess. She'll automatically list things she want.

To the people who have birthdays this week... your parents sure know how to celebrate Valentine's Day!

It's me and Pamela Handerson again this Valentine's Day...

Girl's idea of Valentine's Day. (???(?.? )? Guy's idea of Valentine's Day ( o )( o?(^?^?)

Those Valentine's Day displays at the entrance of every store are like surprise parties for your loneliness.