"Smoking breaks" at work should be deducted from annually leave. We all have addictions, you don't see me leave a meeting to fry plantain

Fired from my court room sketch artist job, for putting thought bubbles on people's heads saying "The court room sketch artist is so hunky."

*boss at staff meeting* Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting? Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be: "Let me see your phone"

Today in 1949, Bruce Springsteen was born. He became "The Boss" after several years as "The Assistant Regional Manager."

Boss: You're fired Me: No YOU'RE fired Boss: No Me: Yeah Boss: *starts sweating*

Twitter should send notifications when you're about to get fired and divorced.

Coworker: Pass your random drug test? Me: With flying colors! CW: Really? Me. So many colors! CW: You're high right now aren't you?

It's like my Uncle said, no body, no crime Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was...

My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I'd own this place.

The scariest thing about being a doctor is if you ever, even once, accidentally call it a "cooter" you're fired for life.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how? Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I'm a miracle worker

My boss just sent me the heart eyes emoji. Since we're clearly being honest with each other I replied with a monkey with a gun to its head.

I wanna work at a bank so I can get that employee discount on money

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn't my finger.

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying "pasta la vista, baby" to people. why would you put that on a resume

*Job interview* "Im gonna need you to pee in this cup" *hands boss full cup* "Let's start the interview" *boss just sips it the whole time*

Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.

I waited for so long at the doctor's office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Me: Can I leave early? Boss: Why? Me: Death Boss: Who died? Me: No one yet Boss: Me: Boss: Get out

*storms out of office bathroom* *slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss's desk* I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET'S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

[Doctor's Office] Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease. "Is it bad, doc?" Yes, but bear in mind- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH