ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren't here THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

NURSE: Doctor, I've lost the cat's pulse VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05

THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

Me: But I'm sweaty, I'm anxious, my heart rate is up Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I've had to tell you I can't treat being offended online

PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon" PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you" PIG: "Oh God, not you too"

Therapist has suggested yoga, for a calming, alternate state of consciousness. But its to much easier just to drink.

The scariest thing about being a doctor is if you ever, even once, accidentally call it a "cooter" you're fired for life.

[first day as a doctor] You seem depressed. Also you look underweight, how's your diet? [nurse interrupts me] "Dr that's the model skeleton"

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day! DR DOG: You're joking, right?

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing DOCTOR: That's normal at your age 14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor DOCTOR: That's not normal

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead. [at hospital] Doctor: I'm afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He's deed.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you. I'd like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

I dunno but if I was a "doctor to the stars" I sure wouldn't be bragging about it these days

accidentally called out my dentist's name during my colonoscopy

I waited for so long at the doctor's office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

[reading test results] "It looks like you're gonna be just fine" [nurse whispers in ear] "Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks" -Steve Harvey M.D.

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn't vote for himself

[HOSPITAL] DOCTOR: "A-tisket a-tasket, you're gonna need a casket." WIFE: "What?" DR: "Your husband's knee surgery did not go well AT ALL."

[Doctor's Office] Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease. "Is it bad, doc?" Yes, but bear in mind- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My online therapist says you can't live your life in fear....He also sells shampoo.

Doctor: "The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions." Me: "Okay, I'm ready." Doctor: "You're not a cat."

NURSE: She's in a coma. She's been on hungerstrike [boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself] PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

DENTIST: let's get started, shall we? *places drill on tray* ME: um D: *places giant needle on tray* ME: uhhhhh D: *places handgun on tray*

What my Doctor said... "Sugar kills more people than Cocaine" What I heard... "The next time you're craving Cake...Do some blow instead"