Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

I paid $22 to connect to the internet from an airplane flying over the pacific so you guys better provide some worthwhile content

Sure I'll join your Cause on Facebook...Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute...

The airline managed to lose the in-laws luggage, but not the in-laws. *sigh*

Nurse: You need to eat or you can't have your pain meds. Me: Do the thing. Nurse: Me: Nurse: *holding fork* [sigh]*makes airplane noise*

"This is your Captain speaking. My co-pilot just bet me we can't do a barrel roll. So fasten your belts cuz I got five bucks riding on this"

(Mayday) PILOT: I didn't go thru 9 years of flight school to crash ME: *relieved* Thank G- P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down ME (having panic attack): sorry I've never flown before PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

My flight doesn't have wifi so I'm just gonna hit the call button and tell the flight attendant every time I think of something amusing.

I'm flying to NYC today and I don't care what the flight attendant says, I will be using my seat cushion as a fartation device.

[Pilot intercom] Me: "Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."

"Shotgun!" I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat. I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

When someone tells me to have a safe flight it's like ok I will do my best but just so you know I am not the pilot of the airplane

I just saw a can of ginger ale that wasn't on an airplane and it looked really uncomfortable.

I've set my phone to airplane mode to add more realism to the nausea and turbulence I experience at work.

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand me: how do i access the wifi fa: im doing safety announcements me: is that lowercase

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like "sure what the hell" and grabbed a couple pieces

Pilot makes a sudden sharp turn, comes on speaker "Just kidding!! Attendants will be by with new underwear. Have a nice flight everybody."

*incoming text* "hey bud can I crash at ur place" Sure come on over *sound of approaching airplane*

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions? ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow? PILOT: Yes it's how most of you will die. Next?

I'm sorry, I'm about to lose you because I'm driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

Using the toilet on the airplane means I'm certified to teach yoga now.

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we'd still be talking about how we're not finding that airplane.

"And remember to talk to everyone like they're a 3rd grader." - flight attendant manual