[family game night] Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now? Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.

Fun Fact: I love it when Americans whose Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather emigrated from Ireland say "I'm Irish". No.

An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over. Yep, she needs a walker

Grammar is: 1. How we structure our sentences. 2. Grandpa's wife. Some of you will pick number two.

Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

I am so sorry to hear about your grandma... I know what you're going through my phone dies all the time.

No, I can't make it to your hair washing party tonight. I'm washing my h... erm i mean my dog ate my grandmother is dead.

"That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice." No Grandma, that's Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

"You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her." "We're still married, Grandma." "She's such a lovely girl."

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she's died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

*[At the dinner table]* "No grandma, those aren't knitting needles. We're having Chinese food"

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences. It's like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

Just googled "sensible cars" if anyone wants to share an applesauce cup with me at the retirement home.

No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP

SHE has the mouth of a sailor... ...that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

Steven King, Dean Koontz and Anne Rice have all announced their retirement stating: Nothing we write will ever be scarier than this election

me and grandma are eating bread pudding and watching murder mysteries, she says what's up

How old do I look? 9yo: 30 Aww, you deserve ice crea- 9yo: Just like grandma -m but too bad you're not getting any

*40 years pass* *finally thinks of a good joke* more like stink 182! "grandpa what are you talking about"

At grandma's. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, "Look who's finally up. We thought you were dead!"

My grandpa use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school. I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels!

What, like you never stole 2000 loaves of bread on a dare? Shit happens. Look, Grandma, can you bail me out or not?

i wish my grandmother was alive to see the iPad air her mind would have been absolutely BLOWN AWAY. she loved her gen 4 iPad.