[first date] Him: You're amazing! I'm having a great time! Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn't think I'm a vegan.

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how. Not right now, though. I'm waiting for my meth dealer to call.

I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

I'll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: "Oh, bad move, I'd have done it this way..."

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

Mrs.Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious.

I hate when I'm in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

[Me and a friend have movie night, order pizza and do some acid] Me: "Hell yeah" Friend: "Hell yeah" Pizza: "Oh hell yeah"

Getting pretty tired of having to add my own sugar and calories to my diet coke...

I can't wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there's food at home when they ask for some..

"I'm a vegetarian but I eat fish." - People who don't get how definitions work.

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It's the most important meal.

I've started an elimination diet, It's where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant] check, mate *everyone explodes*

Dogs: OMG YOU'RE HOME! I LOVE YOU!!! Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty...fill it..I'll be on the couch.

If it weren't for smoke detectors, I'd never know when my food was ready.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family's home and stealing their food, as long as you're a white girl.

Mannequin challenge but me just standing in the kitchen, in the dark, holding the ice cream container as my wife walks by unaware.

[first day as a doctor] You seem depressed. Also you look underweight, how's your diet? [nurse interrupts me] "Dr that's the model skeleton"

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I'm gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.