I'm only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

[car dealership] WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k ME: we'll double that

Kobe Bryant's Wife filing for divorce. I bet somewhere right now Kim Kardashian is plotting..

instead of a fancy wedding cake how about get a cool expert karate guy to roundhouse kick cupcakes into everyone's mouths

[looking at wife's tombstone] today would've been our anniversary *falls to knees* why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

You can call John Lennon a genius all you want, but the simple fact is he married Yoko Ono. Thats a big strike against the genius part.

*wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again Her: Sorry I didn't invite you. It was a small ceremony Me: Its ok. I'll go to your next one

A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it's on his ring finger, he's married. If it's not, he's a guy who wears rings.

Wife: We need to go to the store. We're out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We're out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*

Ladies, don't waste your time picking up guys at Chuck E Cheese. Apparently they have a "family" & a "wife" & I'm "ruining their dinner."

Mrs.Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious.

My wife just gave me that come hither look and when I come hithered she pointed to the trash

THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

Heads up guys, if you ask your wife how to spell menage a trois she's gonna want to know why.

"What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?" "An octopus?" "No Jeff, the answer is my wife's 4 divorce attorneys"

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok? me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on! wife:9, you're in charge

[wife walks in on me showering] "Why are you wearing swim trunks?" No reason. [she glares at me] SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON'T COME OFF OKAY

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.

"My husband's a talented voice actor & his brother's a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person" -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn't you? ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?