Cop: Have you been drinking? Me: *sips beer Cop: That was stupid. Me: So was your question.

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back me: that doesn't sound like her, she never kept a knife there

Chief: You're the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge! Me: *realising I left both in my son's crib* Uhhhhh....

[police lineup] VICTIM: That's him! The dopey fat guy in the middle. COP: We haven't started yet. That's your own reflection in the glass.