#angel

A Health and Safety Christmas Message Please be advised that all employees planning to dash though the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before…

Guardian Angel A man was walking by a construction site when he heard a woman yell ""STOP!!!"" The man stopped abruptly, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in his path. He looked around but saw no trace of the woman whose voice he heard. A day or two after that, he was driving to work. In the midst of the blazing music in the car he heard the same voice yell even louder ""STOP!!!"" He screeched on the brakes. A huge truck breezed past the front of his car from an intersection. He couldn't…

A Short Christmas Story When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were gone, heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards crac…

A guy is having a beer with his wife says: You are my dream, my angel, my love. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you. The wife says 'is that you talking or is it the beer'? Husband says: It's me talking to the beer.

A zebra at Heaven's gates A zebra dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching Heaven's gates the guard says, ""Welcome, child of God."" The zebra responds by asking, ""Can I ask God a question?"" The angel, baffled, says, ""What is your question?"" ""Well, I want to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes."" ""That is good question indeed. Let me know what he says."" Next thing you know, the zebra is standing before God. ""God, am I white with black stripes or black with whi…

Don't step on the pink cloud Three friends, Sarah, Emily, and Rachel were in a terrible car accident and died. They ended up at the gates of heaven. There was an angel standing there waiting to welcome them, and at the end of his welcome speech, he warned ""no matter what you do, don't ever step on the pink cloud"". Thus, the three friends went their separate ways. A year later, they decided to meet and catch up. Sarah said that she would be coming with her new husband she met in heaven. The mom…

An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department... ...and says, ""I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."" Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers, ""You have great wisdom. Say something!""The professor says, ""I should have taken the money!""

Email from God God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, ""Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."" God thought for a moment and said, ""Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."" So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When t…

Three sisters died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St Peter warns them, 'There is only one rule in heaven: you must not step on any of the ducks.' And he sent them on their merry way. Upon entering, the three sisters notice that the grounds are riddled with ducks waddling about. Remembering the rule, they stepped carefully. However, it was a mere 3 days in before the eldest sister steps on a duck. The second she does so, an angel appeared with a ugly man. The ugly man is chained to the …

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter who introduces them to an angel to show them where they would be staying. These men were greeted by this angel who says to them ""You're going to be spending a lot of time here in heaven and there is a lot to see, but first I'll show you where you guys will be staying."" So they began down the gold streets and into a neighborhood with large houses, the types of houses that you would find in the wealthiest part of town. They arr…

Am I an Angel A little Black Baby Dies and goes to heaven, he sees and angel flying and says ""God am I an angel?"" God looks down pats him on the head and says "" Nah Nigga you a bat""

A priest and a bus driver are standing in Purgatory... There is an angel guarding two doors: one for Hell, the other for Heaven. Both of them approach the celestial being and it says, looking at a really long list: ""Alright, Mr... Stanford, the bus driver? You are going to Heaven, congratulations!"" The bus driver happily opens the corresponding door and steps through. The priest smiles and heads towards the same door as well, but the angel stops him in his path: ""Not you, Father Johnson. You …

A pilot was told to transfer mad people from Texas to Mexico..... he agreed and carried them in his plane. Every place was so noisy. Later one of the mad men approached the pilot and said ""please, can you teach me how to fly the aeroplane""? The pilot replied, ""I will teach you how to fly if you will tell your friends to stop making noise .""(He thought the mad man couldn't do it) The mad man went in, after some minutes, the plane was silent as if an angel had had just appeared. After some tim…

The Gaurdian Angel A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. ""Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."" The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: ""Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."" The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careeni…

EXEMPLARY STATUES For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. ""You've been such exemplary statues,"" he announced to them, ""That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."" And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushe…

There once was a rich man who was near death... There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. ""Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."" The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his we…

A Priest and a NY Cab Driver died together and went to heaven. They get to the pearly gates and an angel greets them. First the angel takes them to the NY cab drivers house in heaven. It's amazing it has marble floors a butler and maid and a swimming pool it's awesome, the Cab drivers thanks the angel and they move on to the priest's residence. Needless to say it's a log cabin with no water or electricity. The priest is amazed at the simple house compared to the NY cab driver and he bursts out a…

Two statues... Two statues in a park, a man and a women have been standing in place for 100 scorching summers and 100 fringed winters. An angel saw how faithful they where and decided to make them alive for 5 minutes. As they come to life the woman statue turns and looks at the man statue and says ""shall we?"" And the man says""We shall"" and he takes her hand and they run to a near by bush. They came back 2 minutes later and told the Angel they where ready to be statues again. The Angel said "…

My pick-up line ""Hey girl are you a fallen angel? Because your face looks like it hit concrete.""

Farrah Fawcett dies and St Peter is overwhelmed with her beauty. He says *You played an Angel on Earth, before you go to Heaven I'll give you one wish.* She says *I want you to save as many children as possible.* St Peter says, *Done* She asks what did he do. Then someone else says, *Wow Micheal Jackson just died.*

The homeless angel A man comes across his best friend with a big beautiful stick in his hand. He goes ""Yo where did you get that?"". The friend points in a certain direction and replies ""Well there is this homeless guy on that hill, who claims to be an angel and he grants a wish to anyone who shows him generosity."" The friend immediately takes off, while the friend is still talking, ""Oh, and he's a little hard at hearing."" He gives the man some water, to which he grants him a wish. Without …

Tattoo Very High Up on the Inner Thigh A sophisticated looking lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down. The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her. To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk skirt and points to her right inner thigh very high up. Right here,' she says, I want you to tattoo a jack-o-lantern and underneath it I want the word Halloween.' Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and …

I hate it when kids spell ""angel"" as ""angle"" They're just trying to be edgy.

Heaven's Clocks A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. ""Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell a lie, the second hand moves once."" She is amazed at this and goes looking. She finds Mother Theresa's clock and notices it's moved three times. George Washington's clock hasn't moved at …

When it snows in Africa For the first time ever, it snowed in Africa! Something must be terribly wrong with global warming. Dr. Smith was a brilliant journalist interviewing top climate research institutes in Northern Africa. Being Caucasian, he always stood out in the crowd wherever he went. Africa was reasonably well developed today; people were very used to Caucasians especially from tourists. However, everywhere he went, people always chased after him. They called him ""Snow Angel"" because …