#first-man

Two guys walk into a bar... The bartender asks ""So, what'll it be?"". The first man says ""I'll just have a glass of H2O, thanks."", the bartender then turns to his friend and asks him what he'd like. ""I'll take a glass of H2O too."" He died.

Three men out golfing.... Three men were out golfing one sunny day. They were just about done with hole 8, when they heard a young lady calling from the green on hole 9. They all walked over there, and asked the young lady what she needed. She said, ""Well, I came out to the golf course today hoping to beat my last score. If I make this next put, then I will be one stroke under my last score, but this putt seems impossible. If any of you could tell me exactly how to hit this to get it in the hol…

So close to survival 3 men are flying in a small aircraft over the jungle and crash. As they try and fix the plane they are seized by a local canibalistic tribe. The tribe leader explained to them that if they want to live, then they must go out into the jungle and find 10 pieces of the same fruit; If they try to escape, they will be hunted and killed. The first man gets back to the tribe with 10 apples. The tribe leader tells him he must put all 10 up his bum without making any facial expressio…

Satanic math joke Two men walked into a cave. The first man, being braver, ventured further than the other. When he came to a dead end, he held his torch up and could see the wall covered in Satanic markings. When the second man asked him what he could see, the first man replied, ""Three sixes nine times for some reason.""

Three men are trapped on a desert island When they find a tea pot. The first man rubs it an out comes a genie, ""you have 3 wishes."" Man 1: ""I wish I was at a party in the city!"" POOF he disappeared Man 2: ""I wish a was at my house with a beer!"" POOF he disappeared Man 3: ""I'm lonely now... I wish my friends were with me.""

Two men are discussing their relationships the one man says to the other ""I've been married for 25 years to the same woman! I'm getting tired of the same hole"" The other man says ""Well have you thought about flipping her over and trying the other hole?"" Appalled the first man says ""What? And risk getting her pregnant?""

Three men crashed in the desert... A plane carrying three men crashed in the desert. As the three were wandering around trying to find their way out, they chance across an old lamp and, rubbing it, out pops a genie who grants each of them one wish. ""I wish for a bottle of water, so that I won't get dehydrated,"" the first man says, and POOF! he receives a bottle of water. ""I wish for a sunhat, so that I will be shaded from the heat of the sun,"" the second man says, and POOF! he receives a hug…

3 drunk man and Taxi driver funny story Three drunk men hired a taxi from town center to their house. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he decided to cheat them. He started the engine, and instead of driving, turned it off after one minute. Then told the men, ""We have reached your house, get down."" The first man got down and handed him money. The second man said, ""Thank you"". The third man slapped the driver! The driver, shocked and thinking that the third man is aware of his pran…

The Haircut! Female version: First Woman: Oh, you got a haircut! That's so cute! Second Woman: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy-looking? First Woman: Oh Goodness, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with it how it is, I think. Second Woman: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts-that would real…

A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar. Bartender asks the man what he'll have to drink. Man replies, ""I'll take a Guinness."" The man looks down the row of the bar to see two drunk men being very loud. He hears the first man say to the other man, ""Aye, I like your accent. Where are you from?"" The second man replies, ""Me? I'm from Ireland."" to which the first man replies ""No way, I'm from Ireland too. Bartender 2 shots of Jameson and 2 Guinnesses"" The men share their drink toget…

Two men go hunting... They hunt all day with no luck. After hours of searching they can't find a single deer. They start to turn back and realize they are lost. ""What do we do?"" asks the first man. ""I'm not sure"" answers the other. ""I forgot the compass"". The men start trekking back in what they think is the right direction but quickly realize that they are indeed lost. Finally the first man snaps his fingers ""I know! If you shoot three times into the air, someone might hear it and come l…

Three men go to a magic cliff.... Three men go to a magic cliff that when you say something as you jump off you become what you said. The first man jumped and said ""bird,"".so he became a bird and flew off. The second man jumped and said ""plane,"" so he became a plane and flew off. That last man ran to jump off the cliff but tripped at the last second and said ""shit.""

Calculus Joke Courtesy of my math professor: Two mathematicians go to a bar after a rigorous day of number crunching. After a few drinks, the first mathematician begins to lament the current state of the general public's mathematical knowledge. ""People just don't know their calculus anymore!"" ""I don't think that's true,"" replies the second, "" I bet they know more than you think"". ""Let's make it a real bet then,"" says the first, "" I'll bet you $100.00 that if I ask *her* a simple questio…

Three young men were hitchhiking across the country When they came across a farm. Being extremely hungry they decide to raid the famers feilds. A short time later the farmer sees them and grabs his shot gun, then runs out to confront them. He rounds them all up and yells at them for a bit, then tells each of them that they can each pick only one piece of thier favorite fruit to keep. They all head back into the fields and a short time later the first man returns with a cherry. The farmer puts hi…

Three German artillerymen were on probation for lackluster performance. To secure continued enlistment in the military, they had to take a test that involved firing an egg out of a cannon, towards their commanding officer. They needed to use the smallest angle necessary to fire the egg in a way that didn't hit their CO. The first man fired too low and hit the CO with an egg. The CO pointed at the man and laughed, calling him a failure. The second man fired a little higher, but also hit the CO, c…

2 men and a blonde are arrested by the secret police for treason During the interrogation, the interrogator brings them into a room and hooks each of them to a lie detecting machine, claiming that they would be vaporised if they told a lie. He then turns to the first man and asks a question. ""Why did you perform such an act? ""I was only thinking about what was best for the country."" The lie detector remains silent and the interrogator proceeds to ask the next man another question. ""Do you ha…

A man is throwing out a vacuum cleaner... Another man, walking by, asks, ""Is that thing no good?"" ""Well,"" says the first man, ""it doesn't suck.""

Courtesy of my ECON professor Two men decide to go fishing on a Saturday. They rent equipment, take off early in the morning and enjoy a relaxing day out on the water. Unfortunately, they only catch one fish apiece. On the ride home, they share their disappointment. The first man says, ""You know, with all the money we spent, these fish cost us about $500 each."" The second man says, ""Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch anymore.""

A man slips in a bar... A man slips on a turd that was on the bar's floor. Angry and confused, he goes to the bartender to complain. However, moments later another man walks into the bar and slips on the same piece of feces. The first man says ""I did that."" The second man punches him in the face.

Two men walk into a bar.. And after a few rounds the first man turned to the second and asked, ""where you from?"" The second man replied, ""Ireland!"" Excited, the first man said, ""bloody hell, thats whers I'm from, lets have a toast to Ireland!"" After a few more rounds, the first man turned to second and asked, ""where in Ireland are ya from?"" To which the second replied, ""Dublin mate."" Once again, the first man excitedly said, ""bloody hell, that's where I'm from, lets have a toast to Du…

Boonta Three men are marooned on island in the middle of the sea. They soon realize that the island is the home of the Wanooka tribe, known for being ruthless and murderous. They are captured and brought to the main village. The Wanooka chief goes of to the first man and asks him a question. ""Death or Boonta?"" The confused man didn't want to die, so he chose Boonta. Just then, three very small men popped out of a trap door in the ground. They started beating him mercilessly. They broke his leg…

Three friends make a bet to see who can order and eat the most without ordering a full portion of the meal. The first man points to a burger and chips and says, ""I would like this, but I only want three quarters of the meal."" So the guy gets the meal with less chips than the standard meal and eats it all. The second man points to a steak and says, ""I want four fifths of this steak."" The order is brought out and the man eats it up. The third man points to a sandwich and says, ""I would like o…

They're still yummy After a shipwreck, three men manage to swim to the safety of a small island. After recovering from their ordeal they begin to explore the island, searching for a way to get back to civilisation, when they come across a tribe of cannibals. The cannibals capture them and tie them up. The leader of the tribe says the the three men ""Go into the forest and each find 5 fruit. Once you have done this, return here or we will eat you"". So the men are untied and wander off into the d…

A genie had a magic slide... The genie went and gathered three men. He told them that if they needed to simply say what they wished for while sliding down the slide and their wish would apepar at the end of the slide. The first man went down and shouted ""Money!"" and landed in a pile of money. The next man went down and shouted ""Diamonds!"" and landed in a pile of diamonds. Finally, the third man went down. He wasn't as bright as the other two. He slid down and had so much fun he shouted ""wee…

Three men are walking to the gates of heaven together. They had a long walk ahead of them, so they decided to discuss the ways the had died. The first man began, ""Well, I was cleaning the windows outside the apartment building I work at when, all of the sudden, the mechanism holding me up snapped! Luckily I caught hold of a window ledge, but then I felt two hard stomps smash both my hands of the ledge. Thankfully I wasn't too high up because I managed to hit the ground without any serious injur…