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#first-man

Jokes

Three men are ship wrecked After a week on the island they are discovered by a tribe of cannibals. The cannibals take them to their chief who gives the stranded men a choice. Go out into the woods, gather ten of your favorite fruit and return to me for further instruction, refuse and die. So the men set out. After a few hours the first man returns with 10 bananas. ""What now?"" he asked the chief. ""Take your fruit and start shoving it up your ass, if you make a sound we kill you"". The man gets

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A police officer on a bike route sees 2 men arguing. The officer slows down to observe, and to see if the argument would become violent. The 2 men are bitter, and get louder by the minute. Suddenly, they both reach into their pockets. The first man pulls out some sodium chloride and throws it at the second man, while the second man get a 9 volt and 2 AA's and throws them at the first man. The officer calls for backup, and the 2 men are arrested for assault and battery.

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Heaven is getting too full... So God tells St. Peter to only let in people with really sad deaths, so the first man walks up and says ""I live on the 30th floor of an apartment building and I suspected that my wife is cheating on me so I get off of work early and go home. When I get there I discover clothes on the floor and my wife is just sitting there, so I start searching the apartment because I know he's in there. Finally I go out on the balcony and I see someone hanging there by their hands

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[long] A man walks into a bar on the 30th floor.... A second man already sits at the bar drinking alone and looking a little lonely so the he goes to sit by him and orders a drink. The second man looks over at him, smiles, and says: ""You know, this bar is in just the right place that if you jump out that open window you'll pop right back up into it without ever hitting the ground."" The first man looks over in annoyance, thinking the man is screwing with him, ""Bullshit that's scientifically im

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Two men were stranded on a tropical island... They got to a bridge with a guard next to it. ""I won't let you walk over my bridge unless you bring me three things that satisfy me."" The two men search the island, and the first man returns with three blueberries. The guard says; ""Shove them up your butt."" The man proceeds to do what the guard asked for, and then starts laughing hysterically. The guard asks; ""What's so funny about shoving blueberries up your butt?"" The man, who is laying on th

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3 men meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates ...and he asks them how they died. The first man says, ""I died carrying children out of a burning orphanage"" and St. Peter welcomes him to Heaven. The second says, ""A burning beam fell on me as I was guiding the orphans out of the same fire"" and gets the same welcome. The final man says, ""I also helped get the children out of that orphanage"" and St. Peter asks him how he helped. ""I started the fire.""

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Ten inch bic Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter. He replies ""Yes I do!"" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter. Surprised, the guy asks ""Where did you get this?"" The guy replies ""Oh I have a personal genie."" The first man asks ""Can I make a wish? "" Sure says the other man, ""Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"" ""Okay, I will"" says the other as he rubs the lamp. A genie appe

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The 3 men who didn't go to church So three men didn't go to church. When asked why they never did, they said they knew everything. So the pastor came and asked the 3 men to prove they knew everything. ""Oh so you think you know everything, well tell me what Easter celebrates."" So the first man says ""oh I know, it's when Jesus went to the field and picked the pumpkin"" The pastor yells at the first man and says to the 2nd to prove he knew everything So the 2nd man says ""oh yes, it's when Jesus

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A farmer forces three men to pick a fruit... Three men are driving and get lost. They are running low on gas and its dark, so they decide to pull over and sleep in a barn until morning. In the morning, the farmer who owns the barn wakes the three men up at gun point angry about freeloaders. The farmer tells the three men, ""I will let you live if you can complete a challenge. Each of you must go down into the valley below and pick ten of one kind of fruit, and come back here for part two."" So t

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Three men die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter welcomes them and says, ""Before you go in, I just need to mark down for my records how much money you made, and what you did as your profession while you were on Earth."" The first guy says, ""I made ten million dollars a year."" St. Peter says, ""Wow, that's very impressive! What did you do?"" The guy says, ""I was the head of a big finance firm that processed tons of money."" St. Peter writes this down, and tells the first man he

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Don't mean to brag, but...... Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, ""My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."" The second man said, ""My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."" The t

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3 nuns die in a bus crash St. Peter greets them in heaven, ""you've all lead exceptional lives resisting sin and serving the Lord. It's merely a formality, but I have to give you a short quiz before allowing you into heaven. I'll make it quick and easy."" To the first nun he asked, ""who was the first man?"" She answered, ""that's easy! Adam!"" The bells of heaven ring, the gates of heaven open, and she walks in. To the second, ""who was the first woman?"" ""That's easy! Eve!"" The bells of heav

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Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter and he replies ""Yes I do!"" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter. Surprised the guy asks ""Where did you get this?"" The guy replies ""Oh I have a personal genie."" The first man asks ""Can I make a wish?"" Sure says the other man ""Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"" ""Ok I will"" says the other. As he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the

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Two men are going golfing. And the first one notices the second man is only bringing one ball with him, so he says to him ""Are you going to be alright with just that? Don't you want some spares?"" ""No."" Says the second man, ""This is all I need."" ""But, what if you lose it?"" ""That's what makes this ball so great. It's impossible to lose."" ""What? What about if it goes into the woods?"" ""That's fine, It's got a code I've scanned on my phone, so I can always track it. I'll find it in no ti

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Plane over the Jungle There is a plane flying over a vast jungle. The plane is about to crash, so the passengers are instructed to lose some weight on the plane. There are three men in question that day, who each threw over something important to themselves. ""I have too many of these,"" said the first man, as he threw over some suitcases full of clothes. ""I have too many of these,"" said the second man, as he threw over some crates full of fruit. ""I have too many of these,"" said the third ma

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Discussing Funerals Three men are sitting around drinking coffee when a pastor comes up to them. ""Men, I want you to think about when your life ends. What would you people to say about you at your funeral?"" The first man thinks a bit and says, ""I'd like them to say I was a good family man. That I provided for my wife and children."" The second man thinks and says, ""I'd like them to say I was a good Christian. That I read the scripture and lived for the Lord."" The third man says, ""I hope th

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Easter Joke Three men are waiting for Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates to get into Heaven. St. Peter arrives and tells them they can enter Heaven but first he wants to ask them a question. He looks at the first man and asks ""what is Easter?"". The man says, ""That's easy. It is when you put up a tree and put presents under it and Santa comes.... Saint Peter interrupts him and says ""No, that is not Easter."" He looks at the second man and asks ""What is Easter?"" The second man says, ""That's ea

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Father Murphy walks into a pub ... Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets ""Do you want to go to heaven?"" The man said ""I do, Father"". The priest said ""Then stand over there against the wall"". Then the priest asked the second man ""Do you want to go to heaven?"" ""Certainly, Father"" was the man's reply. ""Then stand over there against the wall"" said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said ""Do you want to go to heaven?"" O'Toole

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A man dies and arrives in heaven... ...and finds himself in a short line of men waiting to speak with St. Peter before entering the magnificent gilded gates of heaven. St. Peter addresses them: ""Welcome to Heaven! You were all good people, that is why you are here. But no one is all good, or all bad, and some of our policies reflect this and try to strike a balance. Before you enter heaven, I will be assigning each of you a vehicle based upon your fidelity in your relationship with your wife. W

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Two men are sitting in a saloon.. They're arguing about whose horse can go longer without drinking water. One man says ""ill bet you $20 that my horse can drink enough water to go two days without another drink."" The other man says, ""well i'll bet you $50 that my horse can drink enough water to go four days without another drink."" Suddenly a man that had been sitting at the end of the bar speaks up, ""i'll bet you both $100 that MY horse can drink enough water to go for SEVEN days without ano

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More 83 YO dad funnies. Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and w

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Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies ""Yes I do!"" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks ""Where did you get this?"" The guy replies ""Oh I have a personal genie."" The first man asks ""Can I make a wish? "" Sure says the other man ""Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"" ""Ok I will"" says the other as he rubs t

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A man goes to a coffee shop... A man goes into a coffee shop and orders a drink. After he sits down at a table, he notices a man across the shop. The other man lifts two fingers to his nose, sniffs, and then says ""Francine, Francine."" The man thinks this is odd, but finishes his drink and goes along his way. The next day, the man goes to the coffee shop and sees the same man again. Once again, he lifts two fingers to his nose, sniffs, and says ""Francine, Francine."" The first man is too curio

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Three men run into a yeti... Three men get stranded in Antarctica. While searching for a place to camp out, they run into a yeti. The yeti says ""Each of you bring me a fruit or I'll kill you."" The first man comes back with strawberries and the yeti says ""Shove them up your ass."" He does so and begins crying. The second man comes back with oranges and the yeti says ""Shove them up your ass."" He does so and begins crying. While the two men are crying, they slowly transition into laughing and

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