#first-man

Your best clean joke? Mine: 3 men are wandering lost in the desert, and stumble upon a lamp. They rub it, and a Genie comes out. He tells them ""I will give you each one wish."" The first man says ""I really miss my family. I'd love to be back with them."" *POOF* He's back with his family. The second man says ""I don't have a family, but I'd love to be on the beach in Hawaii, surrounded by beautiful women."" *POOF* He's in Hawaii. The third thinks for a little while and says ""I'm lonely here. I…

Three men are stranded on a remote island and get captured by cannibals The chief tells the three men, ""Tonight, you will be killed. However, you have one chance to save yourselves. Go now into the woods and gather ten of whatever fruit you find, then bring it back here."" The three men go off into the woods. The first man returns some time later with 10 apples. The chief says, ""Very good. Now, for us to spare your life, you must shove all ten apples up your butt without making a single sound.…

This one I heard when I was in 8th grade. it's pretty darn funny. Three men die in a car accident and go to heaven. They walk up to Satin Peter. Peter looks at them and says ""Now,Let me explain how things around here in heaven work; You all will have a car based on how many times you cheated on your wife."" He looks to the first man ""How many times did you cheat on your wife?"" The first man replies,""None sir,I was faithful til the end."" ""Okay,You get this car."" Saint Peter gives him a bra…

Snoo-Snoo Three men are hunting on the African Savanna when they are captured by one of the tribes that live in the area. They are blindfolded, gagged and led into a hut to be held prisoner. After a while the chief of this tribe comes into the hut takes off their blindfolds and gags and begins to speak. He tells the three men that they have a choice between either Snoo-Snoo, or death. The first man gets up and says that whatever it is it can't be worse than death, The chief walks out and shouts …

CIA final test The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ""We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."" The first man said, ""You can't be serious. I could…

Two elderly couples are chatting over tea. Afterwards, as the women excuse themselves and return the dishes to the kitchen, one of the men turns to the other and tells him about a fantastic dinner he and his wife had enjoyed the other evening. The second man then asks him where they ate. ""Hmm,"" ponders the first man. ""You know that flower... the one with the red petals and the sharp thorns?"" ""You must be thinking of a rose,"" the second man replies. ""Ah yes now I remember. HEY! ROSE! WHAT'…

The Best B.S-er There was a competition between the three best B.S-ers in the world. The first man said, ""My great grandfather was so tall, that he could reach the apples on the top of the tall apple tree without having to stretch."" The second man said, ""My great grandfather was so tall, he would reach up int the sky and re-arrange the stars"" The third man said ""when your great grandfather felt those stars, did they feel soft and sort of mushy? He responded ""yes as a matter of fact they we…

Three men are shipwrecked on an island infested with cannibals. The cannibal king tells the three men that they must complete a test so that they may not be eaten. He tells them to bring back 10 pieces of the same fruit. The first man brings back apples and is told he must shove all 10 up his butt without making a noise to pass the test. He gets half of one up there before he screams and gets cooked. The second man comes back with rasberries. As he is about to get the 10th and final rasberry in,…

Christmas in Heaven Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something that represented ""Christmas"". The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, ""How do these represent Christmas?"" The third man answer…

Two men walk into a bar... The first man orders a scotch and soda. The second man remembers something he'd forgotten, and it doubles him over with pain. He falls to the floor shaking.... and then through the floor and into the Earth. He looks back up at the first man, but he doesn't call out to him...They're not that close.

Now this one is very dirty so please excuse it. Mods feel the need to delete if you want. Ok so, There are two men walking in the desert. Almost dieing of thirst, lips are cracked and they really need water. They come across a hut (yes I know it seems unbelievable, just go with it) and they shout out to see if anyone is there. Low and behold a woman walks out. She is the most god aweful, dog ugly, beaten with the ugly stick from birth woman they have ever seen. ""Yes"" she says Man 1: ""Have you…

Three men are stranded on an island... All of a sudden the Chief of the island walks up to the three men and says, ""I will let you go if you can find any 10 fruit on the island and shove them up your ass, but if you make any expression on your face, I'll kill you."" So the first man brings apples, gets through about three and makes an expression of pain, so the chief kills him. The next man comes with berries, he gets through about nine then all of a sudden bursts out laughing, so the chief kil…

The NSA's recruitment test The NSA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists two men and one woman. For the final test, the NSA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ""We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to shoot her."" The first man said, ""You can't be ser…

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ""I'll bet you 10,000 dollars you can slide an empty pint down the table and I can piss it full to the top without spilling a drop before it stops..."" The bartender accepts the challenge and when tested the man fails miserably. He urinates all over the bar. The bartender jumps up and down and cheers as the man hands him ten thousand dollars in cash. Then the bartender notices a man crying in the corner and says ""What's his problem"" The first m…

Four men went golfing together one day. Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill... The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, ""My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."" The second man said, ""My son is a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."" The third man, not wanting to be ou…

Four Men Went Golfing... Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. --- The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, ""My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."" --- The second man said, ""My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."" --…

Fastest thing in the world A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops in…

Two men on top of the empire state buidling... Two men were on top of the empire state building. The first man walks up to the other man and says, ""what are you doing up here?"" The second man states, ""I am contemplating suicide."" The first man responds and says, ""don't you know the designed this building to be suicide proof?"" The second man responds, ""no way, I don't believe you!"" The first man explains, they designed the building so when someone jumps, the person would fall all the way …

The rope joke A man is walking down the street one day when he notices another man coming towards him, dragging a length of rope. It's about 20 feet long and not tied to anything, so as they pass the first man says, ""Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your rope. May I ask why you're pulling it along?"" The second guy laughs and says, ""You really need to ask? Have you ever tried to push a rope!?""

It is near the end of time, and Heaven is getting full... Three friends who die approach the gate to Heaven. God: Only those who can answer my questions correctly may enter. All three friends begin to feel anxious. God: Who was the first man on Earth? Friend 1: oh that's easy, Adam. And so the gates opened and allowed him in. God: who was the first woman on Earth? Friend 2: oh that's easy, Eve. And so the gates opened and allowed him in. Friend 3 is now feeling more confident seeing as these que…

A man was walking down the street... ...when suddenly he stopped and looked up at the sky. Curious, another man stopped next to him and also looked up at the sky. Soon more people came along and all of them looked up at the sky. Finally, a little kid approached and said, ""What are you all looking at?"" The first man replied, ""I don't know about all of them. I just have a nosebleed.""

3 guys are lost in the jungle, they are soon discovered by a tribe of cannibals and are taken back to their village... ...the chief gives them a task to avoid death. ""Go into the jungle and pick 10 of the first fruit you find."" The first man finds plums and brings back 10. The chief speaks, ""You need to shove all 10 into your back exit without making a facial expression or you will be eaten alive."" The man shoves one.....two and squinted. The tribe ate him alive. The second guy comes back wi…

Christmas joke from my 85 year old Grandma during presents this morning Three men go out drinking one night, only to leave the bar and die in a car crash. They wake up at the gates of heaven to Saint Peter waiting, he tells them ""Oh i'm sorry we're incredibly busy today, its christmas eve don't you know. I'll tell you what, if you can show me one thing on you that reminds you of christmas I'll let you in."" The first man pulls out his keys and jingles them, ""these remind me of the bells at chr…

An old man died... When he was in the line at the pearly gates, God asked him ""Have you ever cheated on your wife?"". The man said ""Of course not! Never ever in my life"". So he entered and they gave him a Cadillac to drive around in. The next man in line walked up to the pearly gates and God asked, ""Have you ever cheated on your wife?"". The man says ""Just once or twice."" He was granted access and they have him an old Chevrolet to drive around in. They were driving around and in an interse…

Three Nuns and Saint Peter Three little nuns were tragically killed in a car crash this past weekend. Being devout followers of the faith, their souls floated up to heaven. The three see the Pearly Gates and begin to approach the massive structure only to be stopped by Saint Peter. Saint Peter explains, ""The Boss set a new rule, in order to get into heaven, you must correctly answer a question relating to the Bible, or you will be banished to the flaming depths of hell for all eternity!"" The n…