#bud

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight ME: Ok I'll consider it VET: Your dog should lose some weight ME: Hey bud, you're going on a diet!

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh... 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies... who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud says, ""Man, I wish we had something to drink!"" Jim says, ""Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fa…

A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles West of Brokeback Mountain, and, after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. 'What the hell,' he says to himself, 'I really want a drink.' When the bartender approaches, he says to the cowboy, 'What's the name of your 'willy'?' The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.' The bartender says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your 'willy'. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do …

My sister was crying the other day... ...she kept going on and on about how fat she had gotten, and how no guy would ever be attracted to her. So I did what any brother would do. I sat next to her, held her close, and told her from the bottom of my heart: ""Hey bud, you're so much more than what it says on a scale. After all, ours is broken.""

Chunks Dude goes to a bar and gets absolutely shit faced drunk. The bartender is watching him all night to make sure he doesn't do anything crazy and makes sure he gets a ride home. The next morning the dude comes in with a crazy hangover. Bartender says ""Hey bud, how you feelin this mornin?"" Dude says ""I feel AWFUL, I've never been in this much pain."" Bartender: ""Well you know, the best way to get rid of a hangover is to start drinkin again!"" Dude: ""I can't man, i was blowing chunks all …

A man was preparing for his first solo flight over the wilds of Alaska..... And during the pre-flight check, he pulled out the emergency kit and opened it. Inside he found just a single deck of cards and nothing else. Turning to the old grizzled flying vet, he asks ""Hey bud, sorry to seem concerned but why does the emergency kit only contain a deck of cards?"" The vet laugh heartily at the question. He answers ""That's all you'll ever need here in the wild!"" Confused and growing concerned, the…

Delivery Disclaimer: Racist, but a black man told it to me, so I'm allowed to share. There's a really kind-hearted delivery truck driver whose name is Steve. Steve has some good friends that he knows through work. One of his best friends is named Wally. Wally's wife had come down with pneumonia, so Wally, who is assigned to deliver a truckload of bowling balls through a storm, asks Steve to take care of the delivery for him. Being such a kind-hearted person, Steve agrees. Steve leaves early beca…

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells ""Hey bud this is my car!"" ""OK"" the man says ""You take the front and I`ll take the back.""

A Jets fan walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "Hey bud, no pets allowed in here." The man says, "But wait! This is a special dog, you have to turn on the game to see. When the Jets score, my dog does flips!" Sure enough, when the bartender turns on the game, the Jets make a few field goals and the dog starts flipping and jumping after each kick. "Wow," said the bartender, amazed, "that's great! What does he do when they score a touchdown?" "I don't know, I've only had him fo…

Chicken Shit as... A man runs into a friend on the sidewalk with something white on his lips. He says, "Hey bud, looks like you have chicken shit on your lips." "It is chicken shit. I put it on when my lips were becoming chapped." He asked, "Does it work?" "Well, I don't lick my lips anymore."

Guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of the strongest whiskey... He drinks it quickly and then looked in his wallet. He asks for a second shot and drinks it quickly again before looking into his wallet, again. He does this for about 5 times when the bartender said, "hey bud, easy with the shots, by the way, what are you looking at in you wallet, are you short on cash? I can open up a tab for you" The guy goes, "no, no, not at all, I have money, but thanks anyways." The bartender goes, "so why…

The fisherman and the fish A recently divorced and wealthy businessman had amassed enough money to live comfortably for the rest of his life. With his kids already grown and on their own, and all of his debts paid, he retired and decided to spend the rest of his days fishing. He purchased a nice little lake house with a nice porch and some comfortable loungewear. He bought a modest little boat and some top of the line fishing gear. On his first day at his new home he set out to the lake. He f…

A guy is sprawled over the seats at a theater The show is over, so the usher tells him he has to leave. The guy just slurs some gibberish. The usher says "come on fella, we all just wanna go home." Again the guy doesn't move and just slurs some gibberish. So the usher goes to get the theater manager and tells him there's a drunk sprawled over a row near the back orchestra who won't leave. The manager approaches him and says "it was a great show, but the actors are gone and we have to close up …