#usa

There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well here's the answer: It's simple.........nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington D.C.

Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died? A: Bill Clinton of course!

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence he pulls him out and says ""Sorry you know the law you've got to go back across the border right now."" The mexican man pleads with them ""No noooo Senior I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself I'm going to make it hard for him and says ""Ok I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence"". The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tel…

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord USA they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down …

The Russian President Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama with an emergency request “Mr President, we need help. Our largest condom factory has exploded,” the Russian President explained. “My people now have no method of birth control! This is a true disaster!” “Vladimir,” said Obama, “the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.” “We do need your help,” said Putin. “Could you possibly send one million condoms to tide us over?” “No problem, I’m on it,” sai…

A big earthquake hits the Middle East... A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East. Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured. Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don’t know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending Supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The A…

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California... The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?" One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s." The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer a…

A Texan Is Walking Around Rural Ireland With A Very Aggressive & Dangerous Looking Pit Bull On A Leash. He passes a ramshackle farm with an old man standing outside of it leaning on the gatepost & smoking a pipe who is looking very curiously at the pit bull. Farmer:- "Bejaysus, what kind of dog is that??....NEVER seen one like it before!!" Texan:- "Well sir, this here is what you call a pit bull terrier one of...if not **the** most aggressive & feared fighting dog in the world, this fella's n…

There were 3 Chinese men... Han, Chan and Fan were planning on migrating to the USA. They all wanted to assimilate as quickly as possible, so they decided to adopt more traditional American sounding names. Han decided that he would be Huck. Chan decided that he would be Chuck. And Fan...well Fan decided that he`d stay in China.

A Chinese guy decides to retire and move to USA ...after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He bought a home on a small piece of land. A few days after moving in. The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese guy running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he d…

A mexican guy, a black guy, and a white guy are all walking down a beach when they find a magic lamp... So they rubbed it and a genie pops out, tells them they get 1 wish each. The mexican guy goes 1st and says: "I wish that my homeland is rid of all hardships so all my people in the USA can move peacefully back to Mexico." and poof! The wish is granted. The black guy goes next and says: "I wish that my homeland is rid of all hardships so all my people in the USA can move peacefully back to A…

Sad but true. Worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure, In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant, In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant, In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant, In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant, In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant, In South America the…

The USA condemns unprovoked invasion of a sovereign nation.

Not a woman or a farmer, but a Polish man goes to a divorce lawyer.... A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day the Polish man rushed into a lawyer's office and asked the lawyer if the lawyer could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: *Have you any grounds?* Yes, an acre and half and…

Why Indian students are disliked abroad It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: Chandrasekhar :- 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said. 'Very good! Teacher :- Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for th…

My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night." Mexico was on, we had burritos. Japan was on, we had sushi. USA was on, we had burgers. Italy was on, we had pizza. Tuesday is England, so we're going out.

Why does Mexico never get gold medals in olympics? Because all their swimmers, runners, and high jumpers are in USA.

Indian Hell!! An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more…

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up. The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY Doctor: Can you read this ? Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

a Polish man moved to the USA and married an american girl. A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the founda…

As USA gets closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs. The last time Hilary had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky... And Monica blew it.

American Customs A China-man decides to retire and move to USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He bought a home on a small piece of land. A few days after moving in the friendly American neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the China-man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next…

4 Mexicans In A Rowboat A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the megaphone and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?" One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's." The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter. The Captain finally catches his breath, gets back on the megaphone and asks, …

a soldier finds himself outside after night fall A soldier finds himself outside his base of operations in a foreign country after night fall. He managed to find himself back at the main gate of entry but was unable to produce any physical evidence that he was in fact born and raised in the USA. The guard at the gate was not allowed to let anyone in who wasn't a citizen of the United States. The solider suggested that the guard ask him a few questions to prove in nationally. The guard then repl…

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey. The bartender asks him why he ordered three shots. "My life-long friends and I have a tradition. We grew up together but have since gone our separate ways. One is in England and one in the USA, but we each go into a bar on the same day every year and order three shots of whiskey. It's as if we are drinking them together." He then drinks the shots and leaves the bar. The next couple years, he returns and does the same. Then, one y…