#usa

Jokes about the USA? Let's see them!

A Lithuanian couple in a hotel A Lithuanian couple go to a hotel in USA. They spot a mouse in the room. ""A mouse! Dear, call the lobby, you know at least some English, right?!"" The man picks up the phone. ""Helou."" ""Can I help you?"" ""Yes, du ju nau Tom and Dzeri?"" ""Yes sir, of course."" ""So, Dzeri iz hier.""

A Texan Is Walking Around Rural Ireland With A Very Aggressive & Dangerous Looking Pit Bull On A Leash. He passes a ramshackle farm with an old man standing outside of it leaning on the gatepost & smoking a pipe who is looking very curiously at the pit bull. Farmer:- ""Bejaysus, what kind of dog is that??....NEVER seen one like it before!!"" Texan:- ""Well sir, this here is what you call a pit bull terrier one of...if not **the** most aggressive & feared fighting dog in the world, th…

My name is Bjorn and I used to live in California I was Bjorn in the U.S.A. I was Bjorn in the U.S.A. I was Bjorn in the U.S.A.

The Polish Divorce A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued: ""Have you any grounds?"" Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. ""No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"" It's made of concrete. ""I don' …

Polish Divorce POLISH DIVORCE A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.…

TIL You can't have a crusade without... USA

Obama won? That's it I am moving.... ..to USA!

A bit of a Republican joke George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 …

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.Then he decided to write God a letter request $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to weite a thank …

I'm thinking of starting a new business. Because of the high tax rate here in the USA I have decided to explore abroad. Unfortunately, it's mid-week at my local watering-hole and female patronage is rather low so I will have to wait to do my exploring on Friday and Saturday night.

Donald Trump is starting a petition to stop the sale of pre-shredded cheese. He's very serious about trying to make the USA grate again.

Difference between rain in India and USA is that in USA the water disappears in 5 minutes. In India the road disappears in 5 minutes

The Commonwealth Games: An excuse NOT to invite Russia, China and the USA.

Two scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, ""I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."" ""Odd,"" her companion replies, ""but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."" Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. ""Two dogs, please,"" says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a …

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00 When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to : God , USA , ... they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat dow…

George Bush goes to a primary [elementary] school to talk about the war. After his talk, he opens the floor to questions. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. ""Billy, he says."" ""And what is your question, Billy?"" I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush infor…

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "" I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."" ""Odd,"" her companion replies, "" But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."" Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it.""Two dogs, please."" Says the mother superior. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns…

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait till you see the last one!) DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange th…

Why is the time in the USA behind that of England ? Because England was discovered before the USA !

While the pope was visiting the USA he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel while his driver got in the back. They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo with a VIP inside it. The chief asked: ""Who is in the l…

Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet? A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

Who succeeded the first President of the USA ? The second one !

A tourist from the United States of America is at a resturant in Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the best country in the world because of the freedoms it has. He says ""Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in front of the White House in Washington D.C. and yell 'President Clinton is a bastard!' and nothing would be done to me."" The Cuban waiter replies ""We have that same freedom in Cuba. I could stand in front of El Capital and yell the same thing and nothing would be …

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other ""I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."" ""Odd"" her companion replies ""but if we shall live in America we might as well do as the Americans do."" Nodding emphatically the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. ""Two dogs please"" says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in oil. Excited the nuns hurry over to a bench an…