#usa

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade... The teacher said, ""Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"" She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said. 'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'' Again, no response except from Chandr…

So, tensions with Russia flair up... ... And the Cold War reignites. With both the USA and Russia standing on the brink of total nuclear annihilation, the leaders decide to meet. Both agree that nothing on earth is worth an apocalypse, so they decide to end things once and for all; with a winner-takes-all dogfight. Both sides have 5 years to breed a dog, and on the set date of the fight, a single uncontested world power will emerge. The Russians immediately find the biggest and meanest Rottweile…

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin make phone calls George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished th…

Moses Meets Dubya George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, ""I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"" Moses replied, ""The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!""

Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in the USA? Yes. In the USA you can stand in front of the White House and shout ""Down with Reagan!"", and you will not be punished. Equally, you can stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell ""Down with Reagan!"", and you will still not be punished. (Alternate punchline: Yes, but the USA also permits freedom after speech.)

The ""Parmesan"" cheese in the USA is an abomination of the original. Start buying parmigiano reggiano and make America grate again.

I recently met a Chinese man and got to know that his name was Kannaswami. I asked him, ""How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"" He said -""Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee. The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked 'What is your name?' He replied 'Kannaswami'. Then she looked at me and asked 'What's your name?' I said, 'Sem Ting'.…

Donald Trump's Joke Donald Trump is speaking at a campaign event in South Carolina. He asks if the crowd wants to hear a joke? The southern crowd goes ""USA! USA! USA!"" What do you call 10 illegal immigrants on the moon? A problem. What do you call 100 illegals on the moon? A problem. What do you call 1000 illegals on the moon? Still a problem. What do you call all of the illegal immigrants on the moon? Problem solved.

People of USA are fed up of the current Presidential candidates and decided to hold a mass boycott As Americans hated all the candidates so much, that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap around the white house, and the best time would become president. Bernie Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, …

What was the precursor to USB? USA

Why does Mexico always do so poorly in the olympics? Anyone who could run, swim or jump made it to the USA.

The Memory Man... A man from Liverpool, England was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. ""Who's he?"" asked the Liverpudlian. ""That's the Memory Man."" said the bartender. ""He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he's ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads…

UN Survey Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:- ""Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"" The survey was a huge failure because of the following: 1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what ""honest"" meant. 2. In Western Europe they didn't know what ""shortage"" meant. 3. In Africa they didn't know what ""food"" meant. 4. In China they didn't know what ""opinion"" meant. 5. In the M…

why aren't there any Mexican athletes? Because all the Mexicans who can run, swim or jump are already in the USA.

So I met this Chinese girl on an online dating site. I proposed that we meet up, but she said that she didn't have enough money to buy a plane ticket to the USA. I then wired 10,000$ to her, and she stopped responding. Great, she's on the plane over right now! Edit: My god redditors don't have a sense of sarcasm

Isn't America great! People shouting USA! At sporting events or after a disaster and we bond together. Or at home depot where its like I'll take you essay and you essay and you essay over there.

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies, you'd almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds I have no shame...

Whether Trump or Hillary becomes president, I won't be living in the USA afterwards From someone currently living in Europe with no plans of leaving because of being a student.

donald trump joke Donald Trump is speaking at a campaign event in South Carolina. He asks if the crowd wants to hear a joke? The southern crowd goes ""USA! USA! USA!"" What do you call 10 illegal immigrants on the moon? A problem. What do you call 100 illegals on the moon? A problem. What do you call 1000 illegals on the moon? Still a problem. What do you call all of the illegal immigrants on the moon? Problem solved.

Coming soon to the USA... #Mexit

This upcoming USA presidential election That's it... that's the punch line.

Three men want make phone call from Hell to remind to their relatives about its harsh conditions Their Nationalities were American, Italian and Iraqi. So they decide to go to Devil who is the boss. So the American made a call and the Devil made him to pay 100 USD, then an Italian made a call and the Devil made him to pay 10 Euros on fact that Italy is less developed than that of USA. LASTLY an Iraqi made a call and the Devil made him to pay a cent. Both the American and Italian complain as it is…

Donald Trump wants to build a wall between USA and Mexico... It's okay, we have tunnels.

how do you get rid of half of the Mexicans in the USA? Tell them there is quarter in the ocean. How do you get rid of the other half? Tell them the quarter is still there. How do you know who is the richest Mexican? It is the one who got the quarter. (I'm Mexican btw :] )

Apparently the USA is the biggest contributor to noise pollution in the world My solution: put a silencer in every school