#jesus-christ

Three priests walk up to a door at a bar. When they try to open the door, a very drunk man steps out. He tells each priest that he's Jesus Christ. All of the priests disagree with him, and he tells them, ""I can prove it!"" So he walks back into the bar with the three priests, and the bartender says, ""Jesus Christ, you're back again?""

God calls the Pope one day... The Pope was working at his desk when the phone rings.""Hello, this is the Pope."" He immediately recognized the voice at the other end of the line. ""My son, this is Jesus Christ. I have called you to give you some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I have returned to the Earth to lead the faithful to Heaven."" The Pope was ecstatic! He said, ""My Lord,what could possibly be bad news on this wonderful day?"" Jesus replied, ""I'm calling from Salt La…

Where is Jesus today? A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, **""Where is Jesus today?""** Steven raises his hand and says, *""He's in Heaven.""* Mary answers, *""He's in my heart.""* Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, **""He's in our bathroom!""** The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. **""Well,""** Little Johnny says, **""every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom…

If you knew the power of the one that you were mocking, you would end it now. Christ has the power to give and take life. Christianity isn't something for entertainment. God is supreme! God is holy! Too mock Christ is too mock the offering of God. This is blasphemy! Mocking the Holy Spirit is eternal damnation. Be careful and choose your word wisely. I send with the love of Jesus Christ in my heart for you all.

I used to be a huge fan of Jesus Christ... but then he got double crossed.

We are not spinsters A man has a heart attack and gets rushed to the catholic hospital. Before he is released a nun approaches him about how the hospital will be paid. He states that he has no money no insurance and no job. The nun asks ""Do you have any wealthy family members?"" The man says ""the only family I have is and old spinster nun just like you."". The nun is offended and snaps ""sir, we are not spinsters we are married to our lord Jesus Christ!"" The the man snaps back ""then send the…

Little Johhny in Sunday school Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ""Tell me, April, who created the universe?"" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ""GOD ALMIGHTY!"" shouted April and the teacher said, ""Very good"" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, ""Who is our Lord and …

The teacher was quizzing the bible students... and she asked ""Who parted the Red Sea?"" Just then, rotten little Johnny poked Suzy with a pin, causing her to exclaim ""Holy Moses!"" The teacher said ""Very good, Suzy!"" Then the teacher asked ""Who turned water into wine?"" Johnny pokes Suzy with the pin again, who hollers ""Jesus Christ!"" The teacher can't contain herself, and asks Suzy ""What did King Davids wife say to him as they retired for the night?"" Johnny pokes Suzy yet again, bringi…

An Indian, an Italian and a Jewish man go for an interview to be an undercover detective Three men applied for the job of a undercover detective: Johhny English from India, Marc Grayberg, a Jew; and Tom Silanti, an Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon the answer. When Grayberg arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, 'Who killed Jesus Christ?' He answered without hesitation, 'The Romans killed him.' The chief thanked him and he left…

Rich Man and the Ranch A rich man owns a multi-million dollar ranch in Puerto Rico. One day, his ranch supervisor, Paco, calls him on the phone. ""Yes, Paco, what is it?"" says the Rich Man. ""Well, Senor, I have some bad news. Your prize thoroughbred, he has died."" ""My thoroughbred? I was going to make millions off that horse! I'd retired him to stud! How did he die?"" ""He died from exhaustion, Senor,"" Paco sheepishly replied. ""Exhaustion?"" screamed the Rich Man, ""he was retired! How did…

A priest is on a bus (kinda long)... ...and spots a very beautiful nun sitting a couple of rows ahead. He was about to approach her when he remembered that nuns took vows of celibacy. Disheartened, he sat down. The bus driver, noticing this, asked the priest, ""What's wrong?"" The priest explained his situation to the driver. The driver was silent for a bit, then he said, ""I have an idea that can resolve your predicament. I know for a fact that every night, the nun visits the graveyard to pay r…

A Sunday School teacher was teaching her young students When she decided to ask them where Jesus lives. A young little girl raises her hand and says ""Jesus lives in heaven with God!"" A young boy says ""Jesus lives in our hearts!"" The teacher was quite pleased with their answers until she saw Little Johnny raise his hand. She calls on Johnny and he says ""Jesus lives in my bathroom."" The teacher was confused so she asked him where he got his answer from, too which he replies ""Every morning I…

Blondes and mathematicians An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth orders and eight of a beer. The blonde sitting at the bar snaps, ""Jesus Christ! Who do I have to blow to get a beer around here?""

Susan at Bible Shool Susan was a good little Christian girl, but one Saturday night, she stayed up way to late. So when Sunday rolled around and it came time for Sunday School, she finally forced herself to go. Upon her arrival she figured it wasn't all that important as it was the same lesson from 3 weeks ago. She dozed off, and when the teacher asked her, ""Who is the Son of God?"" The boy next to her poked her with a pencil. She immediately woke up and exclaimed, ""Jesus Christ!"". After this…

The new priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Bishop how he had done. The Bishop replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" So next Sunday the priest took the Bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he …

Christian Aliens A race of aliens visits earth one day; they come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the pope's turn, he asks: **""Do you know about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?""**. **""You mean J.C?""**, responds the alien **""yeah we know him he's the greatest isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok""*…

Two men are talking on a subway train... So two strangers sit next to each other and begin to read quietly. After a while, they notice that they are both reading the same book. They get to talking, and eventually they get around to exchanging names. The first man says, ""Im Bill. What's your name?"" ""My name is Jesus Christ,"" says the second man. ""Oh come on, your name isnt Jesus Christ,"" says Bill ""Sure it is"" he responds. ""Follow me to the bar. Ill prove it to you."" So they go to the m…

John and Bill decide to play some golf one morning... ...and they're not very good. So bad, that old ladies start passing them before they hit the back nine. At the sixteenth hole, they're both playing from the rough after their first strokes. Waiting at the tee box they see a skinny bearded man. ""Mind if I play ahead?"", the man asks. ""Sure thing, buddy! Lord knows how long we'll be here."", Bill yells back. The man hits the ball over their heads and into the rough. Laughing and amongst thems…

Little Mary #1 Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher asked her while she was napping, ""Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ""God Almighty!"" shouted Mary. The teacher said, ""Very good,"" and little Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ""Who is our Lord and Savior?""…

Three men were sitting in a life boat... Three men were sitting in a life boat for 4 weeks after their boat had collapsed. On the start of the 5th week, one of the men said ""We might as well kill ourselves, we'll never be saved!"" The other man replied ""No, my friend. I still have faith that the Lord will save us."" That's when the third man stood up and revealed himself to be Jesus Christ, ""Your faith has saved you brother."" The two men stared in shock at the revelation when one of them sai…

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ. It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter. When will the madness end?

Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ. It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian

My coworker who believes Jesus Christ was the immaculately conceived son of God who rose from the dead can't believe it's Monday already.

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, ""Where is Jesus today?"" Steven raised his hand and said, ""He's in heaven."" Mary was called on and answered, ""He's in my heart."" Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, ""I …

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just came from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red …