#jesus-christ

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled: “STOP! Acts 2:38!” (”Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.”) As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into cust…

The nervous priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the …

Little Mary was not the best student... in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, 'Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, and altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed it in her rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Mary and the teacher said, 'Very good,' and Mary slowly fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?' But Ma…

Once upon a time Jesus and Moses were playing golf... Once upon a time Jesus and Moses were playing golf. This course had a particularly difficult hole, and Moses expressed his doubts that Jesus could make the shot over the water. "Watch this, Moses, I think I can do it," exclaimed Jesus. "I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot, Golf Swing and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I." Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try. Sure enough, the ball splashed into the water. Moses parted the wa…

Ohh Jhonny!!!!! Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April…

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Wh…

Two Jews are walking down the street... Moishe and Ibraham are walking down the street and they come across a church sign that says, "Convert to Christianity! Receive $1000!". Ibraham turns to Moishe a says, "Well, I might as well go see what this is all about." Moishe sits down on a bench and waits. He's waiting for 5 minutes, 10 minutes, an hour goes by then Ibraham finally comes out. Moishe says, "So... how'd it go?" Ibraham replies, "I've accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I…

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword …

Sunday School A girl named Emily is sitting in Sunday school, but she just can not stay awake. She falls asleep and the class continues. The teacher asks the class "who died on the cross?" A boy behind Emily sees that she is sleeping and pokes her in the back with a pencil. She yelps out "JESUS CHRIST" "Correct" says the teacher. Emily falls back asleep and the class continues on. Next the teacher asks the class "Who created heaven and earth?" The boy pokes Emily again and she yelps out…

A catholic school teacher was teaching a lesson one morning and asked his students where Jesus was. "Yes Susie" he said as he called on Susie whose hand was raised. "He's in heaven!" She shouted with pride. He called on Steven who said "He was in his heart" The only boy left with his hand raised with had the most unusual answer "He's in my bathroom!" Everyone had a puzzled look on his/her face. "Yeah!" Said the boy.. "My father bangs on the door every morning saying 'Jesus Christ, ya still in t…

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.' So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following …

The Nervous Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor for suggestions to help him do better in the future. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. …

Little April was not the best student in..... Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our…

Jesus Christ goes up to heaven... He walks up an old man and says "Excuse me but I'm looking for my father. The old man says "That's funny! I'm looking for my son!" Jesus says "Well, actually, my father isn't really my father". The old man says "That's funny! My son isn't really my son!" Jesus says "My father was a carpenter". The old man says "That's funny! I'M a carpenter!!!" Jesus throws his arms around the old man and say "Daaaaaad!" The old many throws his arms around Jesus and s…

A new priest is nervous about mass. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1.There are 10…

The alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter's square in Rome... A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope. After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, "I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?" "Jesus Christ?!" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. "Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Awesome fellow!…

Little Suzy wasn’t a very good student. She never paid attention in Sunday School and always fell asleep at her desk. One Sunday, the nun was at the front, teaching the class, and in an attempt to engage Suzy, who was visibly nodding off, asked her, “Suzy, who created the Heavens and the Earth?” Little Johnny, who was sitting directly behind her, decided to wake her up by surreptitiously taking his long pencil and sticking it in her bottom, causing Suzy to jump right up and yell “God Almighty…

In the Bible, why are the words of Jesus Christ written in red? So right-wing evangelists know which ones to skip over.

The Meaning of Easter Three men tragically died in a car accident and found themselves at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter told them, “You may be glad to know that, because there aren’t a lot of people qualifying for admission these days, we’ve lowered the standards. Just tell me the meaning of Easter, and you’re in.” The first guy says, “Easter is when we decorate a tree, sing carols, and Santa brings us presents…” St. Peter says, “That’s Christmas. You go to Hell.” The second guy says, “East…

A sign on the side of the road inspired me to write this joke [OC] At the grocery store the other day I was in a rush to get home to get started on dinner. I had just finished my shopping and was making my way to checkout. I looked over the cashier lines and saw one was considerably shorter than the others. The lady at the front was putting her bags in the cart with only a single man behind her, and he only had three items. Meanwhile the other lines were long, all with full carts. Flabbergasted…

Whats the difference between Jesus Christ and a portrait of him? It takes one nail to pin the portrait.

I went to a Inter-Religion Integration Seminar The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!” I smiled and told him I was not paralysed. The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today! I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me. The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!” I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me” T…

A man is wandering deep in the forest when he comes upon a strange looking pub... The man walks inside and is immediately greeted by the barkeep. "What can I get you?" the barkeep asks. "I'll just have a beer," the man replies. "Unfortunately, the guy who just left drank our last beer," the barkeep says. "However, I do have another drink I can offer you... the Elixir of the Forest Elves." "What's that?" the man inquires. "Ah," the barkeep responds. "It's a potent mix of dragon blood, unico…

Moses snd Jesus are playing golf They come to a 210 yard par three that only a lake between tee and green. Jesus turns to Moses and asks what club would tiger woods use on this hole? Moses says Lord tiger would use a 4 iron but you should use a 3 wood. Jesus pulls a 4 iron and sure enough he ball lands in the water. Moses says I’ll take care of this. He walks to the edge of the lake parts the waters snd retrieves the ball. Once again Jesus ask what club would Tiger Woods use on this hole. Moses…

A man and his girlfriend died in a car accident and meets Peter at the Pearly Gates Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?" To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?" Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer." Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. 6 weeks later, Peter returns and says, "OK, I've found…