#jesus-christ

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.... A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a …

So I went to a mixed religion seminar... The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!” I smiled and told him I was not paralysed. The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today! I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me. The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!” I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with …

Risky Burial A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150." The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home for $5000. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ?" Th…

the most famous person in the history of the world The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world." An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick." "Sorry Seamus, that's not correct." Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon." The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ." "That's right, David! You win the five d…

Little Johnny... Finding Jesus A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yell…

Sunday school Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April d…

Letter from Grandma... Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, ju…

What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked …

Adam and Eve Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but…

My grandpa told me this one! One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was." An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam,…

A man, a pub and a dare A man goes to a pub for a drink and spies on the counter a glass jar filled with $50 notes. "bartender, what's this then" the man asks while pointing to his favourite ale on tap. "oh, that's for the local dare we got set up, put in $50, you do three things and you get the whole jar. First you have to knock out the bouncer at the Pink Panther club down the road, big mean Maori bloke. Next we got this wild dingo out back, angry bugger, got to pull out one of its teeth ba…

So Jesus and Moses go to play golf... ...and its the very first tee off. Jesus says to Moses, "Hey, I think I can make this first shot in one, right over the lake." "Only Tiger Woods could make that shot." says Moses. So Jesus tries anyway, and his golf ball lands him right in the lake. So Moses parts the water, gives Jesus back his ball, and Jesus tries again. "I can really do it this time" says Jesus, at which point Moses rolls his eyes..."only tiger woods has made that shot Jesus, I'm not…

Once there was a girl who went to a Catholic school. While there, she always fell asleep. At one point, the teacher called on her and asked "Who is the son of God?" The boy behind her tried to wake her up so he did so by poking her butt with his pencil. The girl jumped and yelled "JESUS CHRIST!" The teacher looked at her surprised and said "Correct!" Later on the teacher called on her again. This time she asked "Who is our lord in Heaven?" The boy woke her up again by poking her in the bu…

A Nun walks into a construction site An older nun, who was living in a convent next to a construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. And so, she decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And, do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads a…

Little Mary Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'…

A drunk guy walks out of a bar There's a cop outside who asks him, "What's your name, son?" The drunk guys answers, "I'm Jesus Christ!" Cop says, "You are not Jesus Christ. What's your name?" Drunk guy replies, "I'll prove it. Follow me." The cop follows him back into the bar. As they enter, the bartender yells, "Jesus Christ! Are you back again?!" Drunk guys turns to cop and says, "See?"

Convert today! $5000 Two elderly Jewish men were walking along when they came across a sign "Convert today! $5000." One of the men was interested and said he was going to see what it was all about. His friend had no interest and said he would wait on a bench. After 8 hours finally the man returns from the church. "What happened that took forever?" "Well the priest sat me down and explained to me all the things I have been doing wrong in my life. I realized he was right and I have converte…

A drunken bearded man is stumbling around outside a bar . . . "I'm Jesus Christ! I am Jesus Christ!" He's yelling. No one bothers with him as he paces around waving his arms. Finally a man walks up, "I'm Jesus Christ" he yells at the man. "Ok" says the man "prove it and I'll give you 10 dollars." So the drunk nods and walks into the bar. "OH JESUS CHRIST!" Says the bartender, "not you again!"

Sunday School Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," Bu…

Jenny was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was having a nap: "Tell me, Jenny, who created the universe?" She didn't stir, so Mike, a boy in the chair behind her, quickly took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Jenny And the teacher said, "Very good". Soon, Jenny was fast asleep again. A while later the teacher asks Jenny: "Who is our Lord and Saviour?" Once again, Mike pricke…

Jesus and Moses are fishing up in Heaven... Jesus and Moses are fishing up in Heaven reminiscing about their days on Earth. Moses says, "Man we really did some cool things back in the day." Jesus, "Hey, how about we try to do some of our old tricks?" Moses says, "Alright, I'll go first." Moses stands up, staff in one hand raises his arms together and stretches them out to either side. The water in the lake parts and the boat gently comes to rest on the lakes floor. Moses closes his arms and the…

Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast EDIT: Holy shit guys, 2700?!

Sunday School Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping. "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Ap…

What is Easter? As told to me by a priest when I was little: Three bad Catholics die and go to heaven. Saint Peter says to them "To get into heaven, you must pass a quiz first. What is Easter?" The first Catholic steps up and says, "Easter is the holiday when a big fat man comes down your chimney and hands out presents." Saint Peter says, "No. That's not right. That's Christmas." The second Catholic says, "Of course, that's Christmas. Everyone knows Easter is the day when children put …

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she y…